Through other people's eyes...

(I started writing this a few weeks ago, and somehow never actually posted it.)

I've said many times over the last few years that I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes, to see what they see when they look at me. I've especially thought this when I was feeling low, and couldn't see the beauty, internal or external, that other people told me was there.

Recently, I think I've been able to see what other people saw. It seems odd, but it's been little comments, or laughs, or smiles, that have give me this gift. It's generally been things that just popped out, more than things people actually seemed to think about before saying.

It makes me smile, and feel good...and realize who I really am. It makes me realize that yes, I am someone worth loving, and that my quirks aren't something to hide...they're what make me who I am.

Some of the recent comments that struck me have been:

"Yeah, 'cause rest is something other people do." (When I was talking to someone about the fact that I was doing housework on my day off after an exhausting night at work.)  I had to laugh a bit, because doing housework was actually more restful than doing nothing at that point.

"How are you always smiling?" (from people at work during or after long days and busy events.) This one made me think a bit...even though the answer I gave right away was "practice". Somehow, last winter, I learned to just smile bigger when more things went wrong. Really, though, smiling is generally a better response than grumping. Besides, if you smile long enough, you actually end up happier.

"Even in the middle of this, you're still trying to help me fix [her] and I." This was actually probably one of the most important ones, because it helped me later to realize that no matter what was said in pain and anger, I really wasn't a bad person.

Lastly, I've found that it's not even always comments that show me glimpses of myself. Walking through a parking lot with a friend, I reached down and snapped a bit off a plant from a planter, feeling the leaf and stem, and smelling it. He just smiled and chuckled, and when I asked why, his answer was something like "you're just being you."

Not dead! Really! I promise! (current update)

Ok, I know I haven't been typing here nearly as much as I should have. I've been exploring things in my head lately that aren't appropriate to post here, but it's been getting things sorted that needed it. The important part right now is that, not only am I "not dead", I'm actually happy!

Blue moon...and smiles...and rambling...

Today is likely to be a REALLY long day. I have a normal lunch shift at work, then we have a special event at work tonight. Someone is hosting a party for"400 of his closest friends" at the club...with a 1950's theme, so I get to tend bar wearing a poodle skirt.

Actually, the party sounds fun...but considering that the host scheduled the party to be the night of the full moon (a Blue moon), outside, to be able to have people see the sunset and the moon come up...I expect this to run late. When I asked my boss how late he expected it to run, he'd said "oh, not that late". Yeah. Sure.

I started questioning how late this party was going to run when I first heard about it.

The restaurant usually closes at 8pm. A "late" night at work is getting out at 11pm after cleaning up.

It's not dark yet at 8pm. The sunset  has been happening at around 7:30, so it's not full dark until after 10...and I'm not really expecting the guy hosting the party to be shutting down the bar(s) until there has been a good viewing of the moon. Then we'll have clean-up.

Definitely going to be a late night...

...but I'm actually looking forward to it.

We had a couple days last week where we had one or more events going at the club, and one of the days, toward the end of one of the events, when we were about to start cleaning up to set for the next one (actually, I think that's when we had less than an hour to clean up from an event and set for dinner), the bartender looked at me and said "how are you always smiling?"

The question actually made me giggle inside a bit. The answer I gave her was "practice"...but I think that's only part of it.

I like working events. I like working at the club, most of the time. I can honestly say I'm smiling because I'm having fun.

I also smile, though,  when things go wrong. Oh, not always...but little things...or at least things without emotional impact...I'll smile at them. When things go wonky at work, or with the house or car, I've gotten to the point that my first reaction is to smile. The more the problem grows, the bigger the smile gets. It seems like an odd response...but it seems to work, at least for a while.

Conditioned responses are wonderful, sometimes.

Amusement is a better emotional reaction to share than frustration or pissy-ness. It confuses people, sometimes, but it doesn't eat away at me like the more negative emotions would. No, I can't always do it, but when I can, it does make life easier. It goes along with the idea of "don't sweat the small stuff."

Attitudes are contagious. I'd rather spread one that I'd want to receive.

So...while I may be exhausted by the end of the night, chances are, I'll still be smiling.

Phoenix

I know several people have been concerned about me this week. While I still can't/won't give specifics on the details, I can give a basic explanation.

The short version is that a friend had a problem with my friendship with her husband. She doesn't want me speaking to either of them...so I lost both friends. Or, more accurately, I lost access both friends.

However, in the process...I found stronger friendships elsewhere. People I haven't talked to much in a while became invaluable support while I worked through how I felt. People I've only recently (in the last year) met, also came forward to offer their support...not knowing anything about what happened...just that I needed friends.

I also found strength in myself that I'd lost before, and settled more comfortably into my skin. I figured out more of who I am, and realized that I don't need to hide myself. I can either spend energy trying to hide who I am to keep myself "safe", or I can accept who I am, share it, and trust that the people who can't accept it are people I don't need around me anyway. I don't have to be liked by everyone. I have to be liked by myself.

I do like myself.

I'm more at peace with who I am than I think I've been in years.

I told Phil the other day that I felt like a Phoenix...glowing and bright and free. It just took going through the fire to find this feeling and this strength.

Now, the trick is to keep it. I don't think that's going to be a problem, though. I don't think this is another mask. I think this is what was under the masks, when they were burned away.

Friends

I have wonderful friends. I just have to say that.

I often forget how good it feels to have emotional support when I need it. Largely, it's because I forget to ask for it when I need it. I'm learning.

I have friends who remind me that making a bad decision does not make me a bad person, and that having selfish thoughts and desires doesn't make me a selfish person, even when I admit those thoughts and temporarily give in to those desires.

I have friends who remind me not to be dumb. I can tell my friends things that I want to do, but know I shouldn't...and they'll reinforce the reason I shoudn't, without judging me for wanting to. Sometimes, they'll even find ways for me to make the arguments myself...as much as I may hate it at the time. Forcing me to admit things I already know, and accept them...is something that only a good friend can do.

Having good friends is like having a good toolbox. Each friendship fills a different need. It's not reasonable to expect one friend to do everything. Some friends are like hammers (they'll beat on whatever or whoever needs it), others are like pliers (they help you get a grip), some are like screwdrivers (...we'll just leave that one alone...)and some are like multitools (good for a variety of needs, but not necessarily the best tool for a specific job.) I realized this last week how well stocked my toolbox actually is.

My friends...new, old, near, and far...showed me this week how blessed I really am.

Friendships and Relationships

I'm stuck. Damnit...I don't know how to fix it.

I'm friends with a couple, but I'm more friends with each of them individually than with the two of them together. (This is a kinda clunky explanation, but I'm trying to work through it in my head as I write it.)

Now, the big issue at the moment is that she feels like she doesn't have many friends of her own. (All her friends are his friends, too.) I don't want her to feel like I'm just one of his friends who tolerates her, or like I'm only friends with her because I'm friends with him...because the friendship with her started first. The friendship with him just kind of jumped farther ahead all of a sudden.

I don't want to pick sides. I don't want to lose either of them. I don't want to cause problems between the two of them...

I've been in her position. I want to help...but I'm not sure I can. I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take two steps back...

I'm stuck.

Damnit.

What I don't let you see

I'm tired, but don't want to go up to an empty bed alone.

I'm hungry, but don't want to eat. When I do make myself eat, it doesn't help and I'm still hungry.

My body is sore and achy - beyond anything reasonable for anything physical I've done lately.

My eyes are dry, but I can feel the place where the tears should be.

It isn't depression this time...at least not a clinical depression that would be fixed with meds. It's just loneliness, and missing my husband who is far away.

Here's the thing...if you see me at work, or at the store, or on the street...I'm probably smiling. If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you I'm fine. I'll believe I really am fine.

At night, though...alone...when the kids are in bed and I don't have work to concentrate on...maybe I'm not actually fine.

I will be, though. I always am.

This is part of the choice I made when I married someone in the military.

Trust and weakness

I realized recently what it is that makes a great friend, in my mind. A great friend is one I can show weakness in front of.

I'm not even sure how I make the decision as to who I can show weakness to and who I can't. I think it's an instinctive thing. There's some subconscious cue, I guess. Until I have that level of trust for someone, though, I can't fully relax around them. There are very few people I've met since leaving Spokane that fit that. Even some of the people I used to know in Spokane, I find it hard to relax fully around them now, since it's been so long.

Physical weakness is hard to show, but I can usually laugh that off. I can accept physical help when I need to. I can even ask for it sometimes. Emotional weakness is much harder. I always feel like I should be able to handle anything, or that I should at least be able to appear like I can handle anything. I know I'm only human, but my standards for myself are higher than they are for anyone else. Yes, I know it's not reasonable, but it's become habit to hide anything I think could be taken as weakness.

Now, part of why this came to mind recently is that I realized that even drinking alcohol I'm generally not willing to relax completely. I have to be in control...always...because I don't trust that anyone else will keep me safe if I can't do it. Surprisingly, I found someone recently who would. It was completely unexpected, and I don't think I even realized that I had gained that level of trust for that person until I needed it. The person made sure I drank enough water, and made it back to my tent, and even checked on me the next day to be sure I was still ok.

I hadn't realized how much I missed that. Yes, I have that trust with Phil, but it's different. I need other people that I know I can lean on, and that I'm not afraid of disappointing.

I know it's all in my head, but I don't know how to change it. Maybe it's how I see people respond to other people's weakness. Maybe it's just choices I see people make in general. I don't know. All I know is that I'm working on finding that level of trust, both in myself, and in others again.

Feelings...deployment and Pensic

I promised Phil that I'd start writing again, especially about how I'm feeling. He's heading off to someplace sandy again, and I tend to shut down and close off emotionally while he's gone, so I promised I'd work on it. I should be writing here and sending him regular e-mails about how I feel, not what I'm doing, but how I'm feeling. That is likely to be a bit rough.

I'll start now, because it should set a foundation for later.

How I feel about Phil deploying: Mostly numb. I know that's not really a good reaction, but it's an honest one right now. I know I'm going to miss him, and I know my tendency is to ignore the fact that I miss him as much as possible. After all, crying in front of the girls isn't helpful. Crying doesn't accomplish anything other than disturbing people. (Yes, I know that's not really true, crying is a healthy response to pain, emotional or physical, but I also know that I'll give myself every excuse to not do it.)

How I feel about taking the girls to Pensic without Phil: Slightly terrified, on multiple levels, and sad that he won't be there with us. I'm taking my daughters to an event with more than 10,000 people for a week. It's too big to effectively know where they are all the time, and I have to largely trust that they are safe and that I have trained them well.

The other slightly terrifying part of Pensic is that I'm going to an event with that many people and I don't really have a "wingman" that I know well. I have friends who will be there that I want to get to know better, but I don't really have anyone yet that I can completely relax around or that will notice that I'm having problems before I do. I miss having the support structure and group of friends that I had in Spokane, and honestly haven't had completely since then. It's friends who will keep me from doing something blatantly dumb, but who I don't have to worry about how my words or actions will be perceived. I didn't have to be politically correct with them. I don't have that comfort level with people here yet.

I'm actually hoping that Pensic this year will help form the foundation for some of those friendships. There are some specific people I know I want to spend time with, talk to, and be silly with. I need people I can show weakness to without worrying about it. I need to feel comfortable venting frustration with people or situations without worrying how the breakdown will be perceived. I know these relationships take time, effort, and a leap of faith to trust people enough to start with.

Too hot to cook - Salad Recipes

Welcome to Summer. It's hot and humid, and along with the fact that heat can kill your appetite to begin with, the idea of turning on the stove or oven is entirely too unappealing. Still, we have to eat. Salads are a great, usually healthy, option. Here are a few of my favorites.

"Does anyone really notice that kind of thing?"

I'm going to write this with the hope that it will stop running through my head. Apparently, it bothered me more than I thought, because the specific incident happened a week ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

I'm  a waitress. I enjoy being a waitress, am good at it, and take a fair amount of pride in the fact. I work at a reasonably posh private golf club (which shall remain nameless) on the East Coast. (For anyone who doesn't know, there's a subtle but fairly significant difference between posh on the east coast vs. posh on the west coast.) While lunch at our establishment is fairly laid back, we do serve a formal dinner several evenings each week. For either, but especially for dinner, there are specific rules of service we are to follow, including which hand to serve or clear with and which side of the guest we serve or clear from, and always serve the ladies first.

The club manager hires students from the Hospitality department of a local college with the intention of giving them some real-world serving experience. For a seasonal business that is busiest during the summer break, this makes a lot of sense. Some of these "interns", though, have never worked in a restaurant before. This confused me more than a little at first. I didn't understand how someone could decide to major in something like Hospitality without having tried it out at first...but after talking to a couple of them, I understand it a bit better. (Some are more interested in hotels than restaurants, and there are many facets to Hospitality.)

This year, we have two interns working in the dining room. One has been doing great, and I think has at least a little restaurant experience. He's personable, smiles, and learns quickly from his mistakes, such as toppling a tray of wine glasses filled with water because he tried walking too fast. (That's exactly why we were doing the practice with water-filled glasses in an empty dining room.)

The second, though...lets call him "Pat", I have some severe reservations about. Pat has no restaurant experience, which I can understand. Everyone has to start somewhere. Lack of skill I can easily forgive, as long as someone is willing to learn. Skill takes time. However, a lack of caring, is harder to forgive.

Last week was Pat's first week of shifts. He started working at the same time as we started serving the new, full menus. Friday night he was supposed to be shadowing me. I knew he was supposed to be following me and learning how to take the orders etc. but apparently he had been told to, basically, "stick to my back pocket". I kept turning around and he was gone, apparently wandering aimlessly around the dining room. So, Saturday night, the dining room supervisor told me to stick to his back pocket instead, and try to guide him in the directions he needed to go.

Following him was, I think, more frustrating than having him follow me. Essentially, I was to keep my hands in my pockets (not literally) and direct Pat to what needed to be done. Some things are just a matter of practice and timing. Putting orders into the computer is just practice. Talking to guests is mostly a matter of practice. Taking orders from and serving the ladies first is largely a matter of practice...but is something you have to try to remember.

When Pat was taking the tables (we only had two all night, so it's not like we were that busy) there were more issues than there should have been. Some of the issues, though, I think bothered me than any of the guests. For example, one of the guests had asked about what was in the compound butter on his steak. Neither Pat nor I could remember exactly, so I asked the kitchen. Then, when I went out to the table the next time, I told the guest...then went and found Pat to tell him. I got a blank stare back from him...and reminded him that he needed to know in case another guest asked him about it.

A bit later, when the guests at that table were done with their meals and we took out coffee and tea, Pat served the gentleman before the lady, with the wrong hand from the wrong side. When I gently reminded him about that after we reached the server area, his response was "Does anyone really notice that kind of thing?"

Blink

(internal scream of exasperation)

(mentally give him a "Gibbs Slap")

My external response was that some people would...my husband would...and the Club manager would.

A bit later, a guest at our other table had french onion soup that was not as hot as he wanted, and we needed to have it re-made. Unfortunately, it had also sat at the table for a long time before we went back to check on the soups, so the timing of everything from then on was off. Still, we asked the kitchen to redo the soup, then talked to the dining room supervisor to see what we could/should do for the guest, and we were told that we would take the soup off his bill.

I told to Pat to let the table know that the soup was being redone and that we would take it off the bill. Pat told me that he'd just let them know when he delivered the soup...then went and wandered around the dining room instead of waiting in the kitchen for the soup. He missed the entire point...which was to let the guest who was waiting know that we were taking care of the issue, and that it would be a couple minutes.

I know he doesn't have any experience. Still...Hospitality is a service industry. Even if he's not interested in the restaurant side of things (he's not - he's more interested in Hotels), some of the basics still transfer. You want your guests to be happy. The higher scale the establishment, the more invisible and intuitive the service staff should be. The bathrooms should always be clean, but guests should never see them being cleaned. Coffee and water cups should always be full, and ideally the guests won't actually notice you doing it. Dirty or excess dishes should vanish magically from the table.

"Does anyone really notice?" If you're doing it right, No. If you do it wrong, yes. That's the entire point.

"Inconcievable"

Lately, I've been having the thought that there are a couple words that do not mean what most people seem to think they mean. The two words, "depression" and "introvert", are words that most people who meet me currently would never expect to apply to me. However, they are things that can very much affect things that are going on "behind the scenes" in my head.

"What are you afraid of?"

During a conversion with Phil the other night, he asked what I was afraid of. Its a question I've been asked before, but this time I thought through and worked on answering him. The question was asked in reference to certain social situations. Here's what I came up with.

I'm afraid of not being good enough.

I'm afraid of not living up to other people's expectations.

I'm afraid of not living up to my own expectations.

I'm afraid of being laughed at.

I'm afraid of being made fun of.

I'm afraid of scaring people off if they see whats really inside me.

I'm afraid that i can't maintain the mask forever.

I'm afraid if what's under the mask.

 I'm afraid there's nothing under the mask.

I know these are all irrational fears, and shouldn't matter, but they do. I don't expect them to disappear anytime soon, but acknowledging them is the first ep to dealung with them.

Do we really have a "Right to know"?

Ok, I don't like being political, but I'm getting a bit frustrated by posts that I see on Facebook after the bombing at the Boston Marathon. Specifically, an article I read this morning that someone shared on Facebook, asking about "unanswered questions the mainstream media is afraid to ask". Other than getting grumpy eyebrows at the sensationalist writing (Yes, I know that it is meant to be sensationalist to get people to read it), it made me think again...how much DO we have a right to know through the news media.

Now, if someone really wants to know what's going on, or what happened, I don't have a problem with them being able to find out. However, sensationalist news media is not necessarily the way to do that. Some things should not be broadcast to the world at large.

Understand that I am not saying any of the things being questioned are or are not true. The actual truth of the assertions isn't my point. My point is that these are not things the mainstream media necessarily should be broadcasting.

One set of the "unanswered questions" revolves around whether or not there was a bomb squad drill going on the day of the marathon. Some people say they were being told there was a drill, others say the authorities deny there was a drill. People say they saw bomb dogs sniffing around at the marathon and extra security inspecting the marathon area. So the question being hinted at seems to be..."did they know there were bombs, or had there been a bomb threat that they didn't tell anyone about?"

The answer, in my mind, is they probably did have a bomb thread, or at least "chatter" about a bombing at the marathon. Should they have broadcast it? In my mind, NO. They did what they could/should have done - Investigate quietly with heightened vigilance. First, what good would it have done to broadcast the fact that there was a bomb threat? It would have caused panic, making it harder for people to investigate. Also, if a bomb threat or chatter about a possibility of a bomb,which I'm sure happens a lot more than we actually hear about, is enough to disrupt something the size of the Marathon, then terrorists don't have to use actual bombs, they just have to hint at the possibility to achieve their goals. The terrorists would win.


Another set of questions involves a Saudi national who was, in theory, originally identified as a "person of interest". The article I read was questioning why Michelle Obama visited this person in the hospital, and why there were unscheduled meetings between the President and someone from the Saudi government. Well...watching the news on the day of the bombing, I know there was someone who was being reported early as a "person of interest", but the authorities were saying, right away, that No, he was NOT someone they were looking at. There's a decent chance that's the person they were talking about.

More of the questions about this person involve the fact that he was photographed with two other Saudi nationals earlier that day, and the fact that he is now scheduled to leave the country "with the full blessing of the US Government." Lets look at this logically. What is so strange or wrong with him being photographed with other people from his home country? Couldn't they just be his friends? The Boston Marathon brings people from around the world. If it was three people from France, or from South Africa who were being photographed together, would there be a stir about it? What about if it was three people from Ireland? The IRA still uses bombs, doesn't it? 

This person's name and picture has been released through the mainstream media. Even with the authorities saying "He had nothing to do with it!" people are still questioning his innocence, thanks both social and mainstream media. Really? Would you WANT to stay in a country where everyone was sure you were a terrorist? Turn this around and think about what would happen if you were in a foreign country where something like this had happened. Wouldn't you want to go home as quickly as possible if your name and picture were being spread as someone who was responsible, especially if you weren't? Apparently, the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" doesn't work if you are of middle eastern descent.

I have seen posts on Facebook saying, essentially, "I don't want to know the motives behind the bombing, because that means the terrorists accomplish their goal and get their message heard." I partially agree with that. The more publicity there is on why they did it, the more it shows that this is an effective method of communicating a message. No, I don't think that the information should be hidden, but it shouldn't be broadcast, either. Yes, it should be studied, and should be taught in appropriate places (college classes, law enforcement training courses, etc) but without the names of the people, or even, necessarily, the specifics of the events. Let the lessons be learned without the terrorist message being broadcast. Have the information available for people who want to seek it out who actually want to know, not just those who want speculation, rumors, and sensationalism.

I know that a lot of people won't agree with me, and in the middle of the rant I probably missed some important things. Still, it comes down to the fact that there's a difference between hiding something, and simply not advertising it. Information shouldn't be hidden, necessarily, but it doesn't always have to be advertised, either.

Military clause - my "expired" licence has NOT really expired!

I had a frustrating experience the other day, and thought it might be helpful to someone else if I shared it here. (Actually, I started writing it on a facebook group, then realized that to get the whole story out, it should be here instead.)

I was pulled over for a traffic stop on my way home on Tuesday. Getting pulled over is always a bit frustrating, especially when you don't know you'd actually done anything wrong. (In New Hampshire, if you're on the freeway and an officer has someone pulled over on the side of the road, you are required by law to move to the far lane when passing them. I didn't know that, and was subsequently pulled over.) The issue that came up, though, was the expired date on my drivers license.

Stuck in Neutral... General updates on life.

It's been a while since I've written, and I think it's time to take stock of how I'm doing and what's been going on. Phil asked me the other day how I was feeling, emotionally. (We've had cold and flu going around the house, so we'd already dealt with how I was feeling physically.) I didn't know how to answer him.

Stealth Cake for an April Fool's Birthday

Last year for Becky's Birthday, there was a lot going on, so her birthday got kinda missed. I wanted to make up for it this year.

I haven't played up the April Fool's Day part of her birthday for a while, but I like to try to do fun cakes. This year, she was too old for any of the small toys I saw that could be used to decorate it, but I had the idea to do her cake in a flower pot with fake flowers. I've made "Dirt Cake" in the past, but that's an entirely different thing. Becky wanted an actual cake, so I needed something solid. Here's what I came up with. It worked great!

 

Decisions...

I knew that I would need to find a job after getting to New Hampshire. Now, six months after actually getting here, it's beyond time to actually do it. For the last several weeks, I've been looking, and finally, it looks like I've found something. I may have found two somethings, which is where my potential quandary comes in.

I was looking for a waitressing job. What I have found is a job serving in the dining room at a retirement home/assisted living facility. I interviewed for the job on Tuesday, and it went well. The job is mine if I want it. It's full-time, $9/hr with no tips, but it's a stable, year-round job. Downside - it's 45 minutes to an hour's drive away.

When I was called for the interview at the retirement home, I already had an interview scheduled for today at a golf course. I told the manager at the retirement home that I couldn't give her an answer until after second interview.

Without actually having had the interview with the golf course yet, I'm still having to try to make a decision, or at least figure out what criteria I'll use to make the choice. A golf course waitressing job will mean tips, which are potentially very lucrative. I could likely make more than $9/hr when you factor in tips. However, I don't know that the hours will be as steady. Also, the golf course job would be seasonal, where the retirement home would be year-round. Also, the golf course is only 15 minutes from home...so gas and tolls are a consideration.

It sounds bad, but on the way home from the interview on Tuesday, I was already considering whether or not I could do both. Largely, I think it's that I don't want to make a choice. Part of it, though, is that I think I want the chance to try both before choosing. The retirement home may well be a job I would enjoy. I can see a potential future and growth there. Still, the golf course is closer to what I was originally looking for.

This may all be moot. If I'm not offered the golf-course job at the interview today, I'll take the one at the retirement home. If I am...I'll probably still try to figure out how to do both, at least for a while.

Snow-Day Hot Chocolate( with a Kick!)

After a wonderful morning of playing in the snow, coming inside drenched, but happy, it was time for some hot chocolate. I asked Liz "Do you want fast hot chocolate, or good hot chocolate?" She decided she wanted good hot chocolate, so I made some from a recipe I'd found...with some small alterations. Oh, it was WONDERFUL! There's a little kick to it, but not so much that the kids really noticed. (They noticed the flavor, and didn't mind the spice.)

You will need:

1/3 cup unsweetened baking chocolate powder
1/2 cup white sugar
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup boiling water

3 3/4 cups milk (I used nonfat)
1/4 cup heavy or whipped cream
(or, use 3 1/2 cups milk and 1/2 cup half-and-half)
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup dark chocolate chips (or semi-sweet, if it's what you have)

Whipped cream (optional)

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, combine baking chocolate, sugar, cayenne, cinnamon, salt, and boiling water. Simmer, stirring constantly (to keep it from scorching) for about 3 minutes.

Add milk, cream, vanilla, and chocolate chips. Turn the heat up to medium-high or high, still stirring constantly, until milk is warm and chocolate chips are melted. Remove from heat, ladle into cups, and top with whipped cream.

Theoretically, this makes 4 servings, but this is good and rich enough to have smaller servings, and you can get 5 smaller cups out of it.

Updates - taking stock

I realized that I'd posted multiple things that were going wrong, or had gone wrong, but didn't ever say whether or not they'd been fixed. So...here's a consolidated update on multiple issues that have been going on.

Home Economy - DIY Laundry detergent

While we lived in England, a friend made laundry detergent and would give me batches of it. Now that she's in New Mexico and I'm in New Hampshire, I have to make my own.

I got her recipe from her, but also looked up recipes online, and have combined multiple sources into the kind I now make.

Bacon Roses - tutorial

I saw a link on how to do these a few months ago, and finally had the reason and the will to try them - Valentine's Day!

Really, they weren't that hard, once I had the components.

Roses and a box of Chocolate

These were Phil's Valentine's Day surprise this year. Unfortunately, he lost a filling the night before, and can't have anything crunchy for a couple weeks until his dental appointment to fix it. We're trying to store the roses in the fridge to see if they last, but at least he can enjoy the chocolate beer.

You can find the tutorial on how to make the roses here.

Valentine's Day

Yesterday afternoon I went out to the front hall to get matches to re-start the wood stove that I had let burn completely out. (I let it go on purpose, because it was warm in the house, and I could clean out all the ashes that way.) Anyway, I got most of the way over to where the matches were, and saw a UPS truck in the driveway and the delivery man and Daisy at a standstill at the line of her invisible fence.

Small Victories

Even while on medication, sometimes the effects of depression can ambush me and I feel overwhelmed by things that I know aren't that big a deal. Today was one of those days. I went to do our taxes, but couldn't find most of the paperwork I needed. When I went to leave the tax office, I saw that it was snowing again...big, beautiful, fluffy flakes...but although I could see the beauty, I also felt like it was just one more thing to deal with.

When I got home, after stopping at the grocery store on the way, I realized I still didn't have all the ingredients I needed for the dinner I had planned to cook. I wasn't going back out. All I wanted to do was pull a blanket over my head and hide from the world.

So I did.

For an hour or so.

Then, I got up, started bread, swapped laundry into the dryer, brought wood inside to defrost, took a shower, and started another load of laundry.

I didn't get to the dump today, and it won't be open again until Friday. That's ok. It can wait.

I didn't get to cook the supper I had planned. That's ok, too. Instead of mushroom pork chops and apples in the slow cooker, I'll try using the George Foreman grill I got for Christmas, and some seasoning we picked up in Scotland.

I didn't get our taxes done. That's ok. I know, now, where some of the paperwork I needed is, and when I find everything, I can make another appointment.

Even if I didn't accomplish everything I planned to do today, that's ok. I got small things done. Small victories are still victories. Tomorrow will be better.

Herbed Dumplings - recipe

One of my favorite meals for as long as I can remember has been chicken (or turkey) and dumplings, always from scratch. After having roasted chicken or a Thanksgiving turkey, we'd boil the carcass for a nice stock, which later was made into soup with dumplings.

The soup part is fairly easy, and tends to change a bit each time. (I'll probably do a post on that later.) The dumplings, though, are a different story. For a while, I used Bisquick for my dumplings, but recently I've been making them from scratch.

Apple Oatmeal Raisin Cookies - Recipe

I'm working on making the sweets that my girls take to school in their lunches, largely because they are more healthy than buying junk. Here's the recipe for the first batch of cookies I made. I made substitutions and adjustments to the original recipe to make them lower-fat and sugar.

More Kitchen Economy - pizza

After being amazed at how much I saved at the grocery store earlier this week, I'm still looking for ways to cut costs in the kitchen. I'm doing this in several ways, from buying in bulk to making more things from scratch.

Now, making things from scratch has a couple advantages. 1) It's often less expensive, and 2) the quality is often higher. Yes, it takes more time, but it's generally worth it. Often, homemade items can be frozen to use later, so you can do a cooking blitz for a day or two, and have items available for weeks.

Chili Starter - recipe

I seem to be on a roll right now, so I'll keep going while I have the momentum.

Beginning of the month is a good time to take stock of the freezer and prep food for later in the month. I found out around Christmas this year that chili starter is a good, and easy, thing to have on hand.

Homemade Spaghetti Sauce - Recipe

In some ways, my kids are spoiled. One of the biggest ways is with the fact that for most of their lives, they have had homemade spaghetti sauce 90% of the time. For years they refused to eat store-bought sauce, and even now they grumble at it. Phil grew up eating homemade sauce, too, and got his mom's recipe, which has morphed by now, but generally turns out pretty good.

Kitchen Economy

When we were in England, I spent around $700 per month on groceries. Last month in New England, I spent closer to $1000, at at the end of the month we were still scraping by on what I had in the freezer and cupboards...which wasn't nearly as balanced as I would have liked. Food costs are higher here, partially because I'm not shopping at the Commissary...but the food quality can be higher, too.

Newfound Respect for the Pilgrims

I had an odd thought this morning. When the Pilgrims (yes, the ones we study at Thanksgiving as kids) came to America from England, they came to New England. Yes, I know, that's obvious, so what's the big deal?

Bread making - oops!

I went to make bread this morning, and found out, too late, that I didn't actually have enough white flour. Oops!

So, instead of tossing the whole thing, I decided to improvise. I took the last of our oatmeal and ran in through the blender to make oat flour, then added a little extra whole wheat flour as well.

Our Daily Bread - recipe

I'm not sure when or how it happened, but sometime during moving to New Hampshire, the decision was made that I would try making our bread instead of buying it. I've tried a few recipes, both white bread and whole wheat, along with the rye bread and oatmeal bread that I made in England. The white bread didn't taste as good as I would have liked, the whole wheat was too hard, and the rye and oat didn't necessarily have the right texture for sandwiches either.

Then I found a recipe for a wheat bread using both white and wheat flour that came out amazing! It was theoretically supposed to make three loaves of bread, but it really only makes two. Still, it's a fairly easy recipe that produces a good flavor and texture to use for sandwiches. I'm starting to play with variations on it as well, and I'll post those as I find them.

Adventures in Abelskievers!

One of my fondest memories of my maternal grandmother from growing up was her making abelskievers on Saturday mornings during her visits, and my brothers and I eating them as fast as they came out of the pan. For those who don't know what Abelskievers are, they are "golf-ball pancakes" - a danish(?) pasty apparently served mostly on holidays. To me, though, they're mostly a wonderful memory of Mamu.

Fear

This morning, I started crying in bed, which seriously disturbed my husband. I told him the tears were a good thing, and he said "ok, but you're going to have to explain that one."

My hands hurt. The pain wasn't what made me cry, though, it was what the pain signified.