A week or so ago at work, I realized something. Hearing sarcasm can reprogram your brain.
At least, it reprogrammed mine.
One day, my boss thanked me for something, and I thought she was criticizing me. It took a minute to realize that she was actually thanking me, and telling me that she appreciated what I was doing. Why did I hear it as a bad thing at first?
This isn't the first time it's happened. It's happened when I was told "Thanks" in a text, and my first thought was "What did I do wrong?" I had to actively decide that I would take the text at face value, and believe that it was meant in a positive manner. (Turned out, that time the "thanks" actually was meant sarcastically, and it hit me that much harder when I found out.)
So, my boss is sometimes a bit brash and sarcastic, or at least her tone sounds like it. On that particular day, there was something that should have been done an hour or so earlier, and she asked for it to be done. (Someone else had said they were going to, and I hadn't realized it wasn't done yet.) So, when I went to do it, and she came downstairs and found me in the middle of it, she said "Thanks for not being lazy about this."
The way my brain interpreted her statement at first was "Why didn't you do this an hour ago? Why were you wasting time folding napkins when this needed to be done?"
What she really meant was "Thank you for coming down and doing this. None of the other servers came, and it needed to be done. I appreciate it."
So, why was my first instinct to hear it as a bad thing?
My only guess is that I've heard people use sarcasm so often that, especially if I'm feeling insecure at the time, it's easier to believe the implied criticism. I've also heard a lot of people be polite to someone in person, then cutting and critical about that same person later when the person isn't around. I've been with a friend when he answered his phone and blatantly lied about where he was or who he was with...and then expected me to trust what he told me.
Whether sarcasm is directed at me or not, I learn from it. I learn that the person is sarcastic, and that the words they use don't always mean what they actually say. I have no reason to expect that I would be treated differently than anyone else, so I will hear things through that sarcasm filter, whether I should or not.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to react that way. So, when your first instinct is a cutting, sarcastic remark...think about what that remark may cause later. Is it really worth it?
At least, it reprogrammed mine.
One day, my boss thanked me for something, and I thought she was criticizing me. It took a minute to realize that she was actually thanking me, and telling me that she appreciated what I was doing. Why did I hear it as a bad thing at first?
This isn't the first time it's happened. It's happened when I was told "Thanks" in a text, and my first thought was "What did I do wrong?" I had to actively decide that I would take the text at face value, and believe that it was meant in a positive manner. (Turned out, that time the "thanks" actually was meant sarcastically, and it hit me that much harder when I found out.)
So, my boss is sometimes a bit brash and sarcastic, or at least her tone sounds like it. On that particular day, there was something that should have been done an hour or so earlier, and she asked for it to be done. (Someone else had said they were going to, and I hadn't realized it wasn't done yet.) So, when I went to do it, and she came downstairs and found me in the middle of it, she said "Thanks for not being lazy about this."
The way my brain interpreted her statement at first was "Why didn't you do this an hour ago? Why were you wasting time folding napkins when this needed to be done?"
What she really meant was "Thank you for coming down and doing this. None of the other servers came, and it needed to be done. I appreciate it."
So, why was my first instinct to hear it as a bad thing?
My only guess is that I've heard people use sarcasm so often that, especially if I'm feeling insecure at the time, it's easier to believe the implied criticism. I've also heard a lot of people be polite to someone in person, then cutting and critical about that same person later when the person isn't around. I've been with a friend when he answered his phone and blatantly lied about where he was or who he was with...and then expected me to trust what he told me.
Whether sarcasm is directed at me or not, I learn from it. I learn that the person is sarcastic, and that the words they use don't always mean what they actually say. I have no reason to expect that I would be treated differently than anyone else, so I will hear things through that sarcasm filter, whether I should or not.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to react that way. So, when your first instinct is a cutting, sarcastic remark...think about what that remark may cause later. Is it really worth it?
