Creamy potato, bacon, (leek, celery, chicken) soup.

Tonight I decided to make potato soup for supper. We'd had a really good potato soup in Virginia a year or so ago, and I kinda remembered the recipe...well, not really, but I remembered some of the ingredients. Anyway, the soup I made turned out really well, even if it wasn't quite what I started trying to make.

Here's the recipe for what I did make, so hopefully I can someday make it again.

4 medium russet potatoes, peeled and sliced
3 small to medium red potatoes, sliced
1/2 cup of chopped leek (from the white part)
1/2 cup chopped leek greens
1 can cream of chicken soup
1/4 cup celery, chopped
1/2 pound good, thick-cut bacon, cut into bits

1/2 package chive and onion cream cheese
bit of milk

garlic
paprika
salt
pepper


Put the russet potatoes in a stockpot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and cover. Cook until the potatoes are mush. Add garlic, leek greens, and cream of chicken soup. Remove from heat and leave covered.

Cook bacon bits until crispy, reserving the bacon grease. Set bacon aside. Saute the white part of the leeks and the celery in the bacon grease and add to cooked potatoes.

Toss the red potatoes in a bit of bacon grease and roast in the oven until slightly crispy.

While the potatoes are roasting, add a bit of milk to the stockpot (to thin the soup a bit) and turn the heat on low. Add salt, pepper, and paprika (to taste), along with the bacon. Just before serving, add the cream cheese, stirring until melted, and the roasted potatoes.


VERY filling...and very tasty.

Making scones part 2 - basic variations

In the previous note, I explained how to make basic British scones. Basic scones are great, and are a wonderful carrier to get clotted cream and jam to your mouth. After making the basics, though, I started playing with some variations. An advantage I've found to variations is that some of the are great stand-alone flavors, and don't need the extra condiments.

I'll start with the easiest variations, then work my way up to some of the more complex ones that I've done. Hopefully you'll be able to see the progression and figure out some new and different flavors of your own.

More scone variations - Chocolate!

 The last two notes I explained how to make scones, and gave some easy variations. Making scones with a chocolate base is a bit trickier, and can take a bit more fiddling to get them right. I'm still working on perfecting them, so can't give anything resembling measurements yet. They're something I'm still making by look and feel.

How to make Clotted Cream

While living in England, I learned the joys of Clotted Cream (also called Devonshire Cream) on scones. If I mention clotted cream, a lot of people say "that just doesn't sound good". Really, it's heavenly. The best way I can describe it is that it's something between butter and whipped cream, but that doesn't really describe it adequately. It's something you just have to try for yourself.

British Scones - recipe

This is a post I previously posted on another site, but it belongs here, as well.

When I was growing up, I thought scones were basically biscuits, but maybe a bit sweeter. When I was a bit older, scones were a heavy pastry to grab from Starbucks with my coffee. After moving to the UK, I learned that scones are actually a heavenly, sinful delight that rarely resembles the heavy, though tasty, lumps you can buy in coffee shops in the states.

Realizations about priorities

There is a lot going on right now. This week in particular, we have our household goods arriving just a couple days before our Holiday/Housewarming party, and we will have friends staying with us in waves, from a couple days before the party through Christmas...and my mom is coming to visit.

The house isn't done. Two of the kids' rooms still need a second coat of paint. One needs primer and paint in a whole section, and all three need the white boards painted on their walls that we left a space for. The bathrooms haven't been painted, and the laundry room hasn't been redone after Phil fixed plumbing issues (which required poking holes  in the newly painted walls.)

Being right, or being happy.

I've heard in the past that often, in an argument, you have to chose whether it's more important to be "right" or to be "happy". Even if you're "right", you can choose to just let it go, end the argument, and be happy instead. Or, you can choose to sacrifice your happiness and continue to insist that you are "right".

Home at last

Last night we slept in the new house for the first time. We're sleeping on camp beds, air mattresses, and, in Liz's case, the floor...but we're home. (Phil's picking up Liz's air mattress today from someone at work.)

For the first time, all the girls slept in their own rooms. For Liz and Kelly, it's the first time they've had their own rooms, instead of sharing with a sister. I wondered how that would go, but neither of them crept into the other's room last night, so apparently they were fine.

Coming out of the dark

This is a post that's been floating around in my head for a couple months. I realized I haven't written anything here for a bit, and while I'm feeling worn down and worn out, writing may help me relax and recharge.

One of my greatest fears, for as long as I can remember, has been losing my sanity. It's something I will joke about, like everyone does, but underneath it is always a thread of actual concern. Mental instability runs in the female side of my family. I understand that it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that doesn't make it any less scary.

This is something that I've talked to my husband about several times over the years. We agreed early in our marriage that if he tells me I need to go to the doc for something involving mental stability, I will go and get it checked, whether I want to or not. It's the one place where I can't be sure if I'm seeing clearly or not.

Yes! That!

Having a conversation with a new friend today, and we ended up on the subject of religion. We were discussing Pagan beliefs/leanings. She made the comment "I read somewhere once an explanation of why paganism/Wicca was not a cult, because one sign of a cult was converting people. And how most pagans never convert, they just realize there's a name for what they already do and they are not the only ones who do it."

Yes! That!

There have been groups that I visited that never really felt right. I think part of it was that a lot of people in those groups found books on paganism and thought it was cool, so they decided they were going to believe/practice it, instead of being people who found books on paganism and realized that it was what they already believed/practiced.

There's a big difference in the feeling of those two types of people. The feeling in those groups was often like trying to force a piece into a spot on a jigsaw puzzle that looked like it should go there, but didn't ever quite fit right. It's nice to finally find the puzzle where I really do seem to fit. 

Realization regarding pedestals

I've been told in the past that certain people have put me on different levels of pedestals. I've always been very uncomfortable with that, because pedestals are high and thin and easy to fall off of. Besides, being on a pedestal is lonely. You spend too much time trying not to fall off.

I was talking to Phil about this in the car a couple days ago, and came to a realization. Pedestals are lonely, but they don't have to be. While I don't want to be up there alone, I love to help other people get up there with me. Most of the thing I do don't seem that hard to me, and I'm perfectly willing (and eager) to teach other people to do them, too.

Bringing people up on the pedestal with me means I'm not nearly so lonely, and not as worried about falling, because there's someone there to help me back up. So, lets get to building steps into pedestals. Come on up and share the view.

Homemade Hot Chocolate - Recipe

It's that time of year again. There's a definite bite to the air in the mornings and evenings, and it's time to keep a stock of hot chocolate in the house.

A couple years ago, I found a recipe to make my own mix, which I think ends up more cost effective in the long run. The biggest advantage I found was that I could make different flavors if I wanted to, and could make sugar/fat free mix that I was ok with letting my kids have several times per day. This also can be an easy gift, if you put it in a nice container, or dress up a jar with  piece of fabric over the lid.

The basic recipe is as follows:

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 cup splenda (or 1 1/2 cup white sugar)
1 cup nonfat dry milk powder
1 cup non-dairy creamer powder

Mix all the ingredients well. Store in an airtight container.

To drink: Add 3 heaping spoons to a cup of hot water, to taste.


Variations:

Most of the variations I did with this included using flavored creamer. There are different flavors available sometimes around the holidays, such as Gingerbread, that make great flavors for hot chocolate. You can also change the flavor a bit by using darker chocolate powder. Hershey's puts out a "special dark" cocoa powder every so often, and using that for some or all of the chocolate gives a darker, richer flavor.

Here are a few of the variations I've done:

Gingerbread: Use Gingerbread flavored creamer, and add use some of the darker chocolate powder, if available.

French Silk: Vanilla Cinnamon flavored creamer, with darker chocolate powder. (I want to try adding just a little instant espresso to this, but haven't found it yet. I'd probably only add about a Tablespoon to a Double batch of the mix.)

Chili - Use a regular (unflavored) creamer, and add just a touch of chili powder. Start small - about 1/2 tsp for the batch, and mix it well. It's surprisingly good. (I wouldn't use the "chipolte" chili powder for this, because it adds a smoky flavor.)

Extra chocolate - use a chocolate flavored creamer. You can also substitute part of the regular chocolate powder with the darker chocolate for this, for a "triple chocolate" version.

One that I'm hoping to do this year is an orange and/or orange spice. I found someplace with an orange powder, and I'll mix some of that in, possibly with some cinnamon. I love the chocolate orange flavor, so for me at least, this sounds tasty.

Another thought that I've had, but haven't tried, would be to use some unsweetened kool-aid mix, specifically a black cherry flavor, and mix that in for a "black forest" version.


Have fun with this, an enjoy. If you find any great combinations, please feel free to share them with me. I'd love to have new ideas to try.

My security blanket - a kitchen

I realized today just how much stock I put in having access to a kitchen. Any kitchen will do, sometimes, but generally I want/need my kitchen.

We're still waiting to close on the new house, but even when we have the keys, we can't move in until our household goods arrive. Most people think it's because we need the furniture. Honestly, I could probably sleep on the ground for a few weeks if I needed to, and blankets aren't that hard to come by.

The reason I wouldn't be willing/able to move into the new house without having our stuff is that I don't have any pans/dishes/utensils. I can sleep on the ground, as long as I can cook.

At Raglan this year, the biggest problem, in my mind, was that our stove wouldn't work so I couldn't cook. I could have dealt much more easily with the rain and wind if I had the ability to cook without having to borrow fire from other people. Even if I chose not to cook, having the ability would have been enough.

There are people who know me who will probably read this and say "well, duh!", but I don't think I had realized quite how much a kitchen is like a security blanket to me. I can use someone else's, but really want to have mine.

Project Tutorial - No-Sew fleece blanket Variation(s)

This is a continuation of the tutorial on how to make No-Sew Fleece Blankets. I won't be repeating all the steps in as much detail, so if you haven't seen the first tutorial, you may want to look at it, first.

Size of Fringe, and direction of knots

The only difference between how I did this blanket and how I did the one in the first tutorial iss that I was still practicing the knots and they weren't as even, or pulled straight up-and-down.

This was made with the same technique and measurements as the first tutorial.

 This blanket was actually the first one I made. The fringe was cut at 2" wide instead of 1" wide. The knots weren't pulled flat against the blanket. They were also tied a bit tight, so it pulls the edges and the blanket .

With this one, I tied all the fringe on the first time around, instead of tying every other one. It didn't turn out bad, but it doesn't look nearly as finished and professional as the other blankets.

Knots weren't pulled flat against the blanket, so they stand up differently

Knots pulled too tight means the edges curl a bit and don't lay as flat.

 Different Fringe

The blankets in the first tutorial end up with a fluffy fringe on the side. There's also a way to tie the fringe so it lays flatter. It does make the finished area of the blanket a little smaller, but that's not always a bad thing.

Flat fringe gives a different effect.

For this fringe, you start the blanket the same way as for the fluffy fringe. Lay out your fleece, cut the selvedge, and trim your pieces to match.

Now - cut the corners. This time, you need to cut 6" squares out of each corner.

Thankfully, this is a forgiving project, because I didn't get an even square.

 Cut the Fringe 6" deep by 1" wide.

This is still easier with a template. Again, I used a scrap of fabric.

 Tie the Fringe

This is where this blanket varies the most from the other style. Tie both pieces of fringe in an overhand knot, using them as if they were one piece. (Imagine tying a knot in a single piece of string. It's the same basic idea.)

I tried to get pictures, but it is hard to show.

Wrap both pieces around one or two fingers

Tuck the end down through the loop

Gently tighten the knot

 Tighten the knot slowly so you can adjust the fringe if necessary, and make sure it's sitting where you want it. You want the knot close to the blanket, but not so tight that it pulls the blanket out of shape.

Another minor variation is available here. You can tie all the fringe from the same side of the blanket, and the coloring will all match. Or, you can tie every other fringe, then turn the blanket over, and the knots will be different colors.

This was tied made tying every-other fringe, then turning the blanket over.

This was made tying all the fringe from the same (green) side.

These are the ones I've done so far, but changing the knots a little can change the look of the blanket. Just remember to take your time, and make sure the knot is the way you want it before you tighten it all the way. They're a pain to pull back out.

Project Tutorial - No-Sew Fleece Blankets

 I've done posts about "who I am" lately, and have been neglecting the "hearth and home" portion of what I planned this blog to be. (Granted, that may be because I don't feel that I actually have a hearth and home right now, but that's changing soon!)

While I don't have my sewing machine right now, I still have crafty urges,and wanted to make something. There was a wonderful sale at the fabric store and I was able to get beautiful fleece prints to make blankets. I've made 7 blankets in the last few days, and will be making more soon. These are easy and beautiful, and I've worked out how to do a few variations on them. They're also soft and oh-so-warm. (My daughters said they feel like they're made of clouds.)

So here's a tutorial, complete with pictures, on how to make these.

You will need:

Fleece - depending on how big you want the blanket, you'll need different amounts of fleece. A baby blanket could be done with 1 - 1 1/2 yards. Most of the blankets I did (using largely for wrapping up on the sofa in the cold) were done with 2 yards. I did a couple using 2 1/2 yards, and they seem huge...but are long enough that my husband can lay on the sofa and be covered from shoulders to feet. (Actually, when the blankets were done, I could hold them up with my arms extended all the way over my head and they still touched the floor.)

Whichever length you want, buy two pieces (one for the front and one for the back) of the same length.

Step 1

Lay them out on the floor, matching the sides as well as you can. It's easiest if you set the smaller of the two pieces on top.

Lay the two pieces out on the floor, edges matching as much as possible.

Cutting through both layers at the same time, trim the selvedge edges and even out the length so your pieces are the same size.

 Step 2

Cut the corners out of your blanket. The size of the corners will depend on the size of the fringe you will be cutting. For most blankets, I use a 4" square. (I'll explain variations later.)

Cut a 4" square from each corner

Step 3

Cut the fringe. After some experimentation, I found that 1" wide fringe seems to work best. This is a fairly forgiving project, so if some pieces are a little bigger, that's ok. It makes it easier to cut if you take a piece of paper or scrap of fabric and use it as a template. (I used a scrap from an earlier blanket.

Cut the fringe all the way around the entire blanket, cutting through both layers of fleece at the same time.

Cut fringe 1" wide around the entire blanket

 Step 4

Starting at one corner, tie EVERY OTHER set of fringe. (The first blanket I did, I tied all the fringe on the first time around, and it didn't turn out nearly as even.) Tie the knots close to the blanket, but being careful not to pull too tight, or it will pull the blanket out of shape. All I can tell you is that this takes more practice than it does explanation.

Tie Every Other fringe, while the blanket is still flat on the floor.

Tie close to the blanket - a double "overhand knot"

 

Tighten the knot, being careful not to pull the blanket out of shape

 Here is one place where you can have a bit of variation. Depending on how exactly you tighten the knots, they will set differently when you're done. It's subtle, but it can make a difference. I found that I liked the look if I tie the knots so that they're laying flat with the off-side color fringe pointing up onto the blanket when the knot is tightened.

Step 5

Turn the blanket over.

Turn your blanket over after tieing the first half of the fringe.

Tie the second half of the fringe.

Step 6

Wrap up and enjoy your work! You're done!

Warm and Cozy!

Completed blanket

close up of fringe

The calm before the storm

I grew up on the west coast, specifically in Southern California for my early years. Earthquakes don't bother me. High winds, however, do.

So, in the middle of moving to the east coast, the girls and I find ourselves in the path of Hurricane Sandy.

If we were already in the new house, with the woodstove that we're in the process of buying, then I wouldn't worry. With a woodstove, you have heat and can cook. In the new house, I'll be able to have provisions stocked in the freezer and pantry. In the rental, there's no wood stove, and I don't have so much as a camp stove for heating water. It's more than a little frustrating.

I have to admit that I was fairly scared when I first heard about the storm hitting here. I know there was a snowstorm last year, but snow didn't scare me. Wind, and losing power (and therefore water, heat, and the ability to cook) did scare me.

Then I started to think, and plan.

Water - we have milk jugs, juice jugs, bottles from water and gatorade. All of those are now filled with water, along with a jug I found outside with no lid, but it works for Daisy water. If we finish off the milk that's in the fridge, that carton will be filled with water, too. (Actually, I may pour the milk into a pitcher and fill the jug with water.) Talking to a friend this morning, it occurred to me that I can fill the bathtub with water to use for flushing the toilet, and she mentioned filling rubbermaid tubs as well. I happen to have one that we've been using for a laundry basket, so that will hold several more gallons.

Food - we have things to eat that don't require cooking. While having hot food is nice, it's not a requirement. I got lunchmeat and cheese, and extra bread at the store, and we have cereal, peanut butter, trail mix, crackers, and all sorts of other things in the cupboard. Not the store I usually would have, but enough that we won't starve. I bought a big bag of dog food not long ago, too, so Daisy's set.

Heat and light - Well, we have blankets, warm clothes (or pajamas) and can move people into smaller rooms to conserve heat. Becky would move into the room with her sisters, which has three beds, and then we'd only need to heat that one. There is daylight from windows, depending on the severity of the storm, and I bought a few candles yesterday. I couldn't necessarily find many, but I found enough to get us through a few days, with careful use. The benefit of candles, as opposed to battery powered lights, is that candles produce heat, too. It may not be a lot of heat, but a single candle in a small tent can help keep someone from freezing to death in a snowstorm. Candles seem friendlier, too. We used to light a tealight in the girls' room at night when they had nightmares, telling them that the candle would burn away the bad dreams. We do also have a couple flashlights.

Entertainment - while we might go stir-crazy a bit, we actually do have things to do. We have board games that everyone likes, and we have books, kindles, and ipods. We made sure everything was charged last night, and ipods can be recharged in the car if necessary. That gives us things to do, things to listen to, books to read, and three of the ipods double as kindles, even producing their own light, so we could all read even if it's dark.

So far, it's calm and grey this morning. No sign of the storm yet, and if I hadn't been hearing about it on the news, I wouldn't know it was coming. Good. I'll have time to go to the laundromat and do laundry, giving us a few more days of clothes if necessary. I'll start stew cooking in the crock-pot, so even if we lose power later, we'll have a good, hearty, warm (or hot, depending on timing) supper.

We're ready. We can do this.

Life's not about surviving the storm; it's learning to dance in the rain.

Let's dance!

Missing my "Muchness"

A few weeks ago, I watched the Tim Burton version of "Alice in Wonderland". At one point in the movie, the Mad Hatter looks at Alice and says "You used to be much more...'muchier.' You've lost your muchness". That struck a cord. I looked at the friend who was watching the movie with me and said "That's the problem; I've lost my muchness!" To which he replies "Yes, you have."

I don't know what happened, but I want it back.

Once upon a time, I was a princess in a magical flower land called the Morning Glory Realm. Trolls took over the royal palace and my fellow princess and I had to take up residence in a fort in the staghorn wood instead.

Once upon a time, I taught scared children to imagine a glowing bubble around them that monsters couldn't get through.

Once upon a time, I saw the possibilities before the problems.

Once upon a time, my willpower was enough to keep bad weather at bay.

Once upon a time, I had an inner glow that would come out when I talked to people or did things. Talking about fairy tales, or having a good debate, or dancing...I could feel the light inside shining out through my eyes.

Once upon a time...

I don't know what happened, or where the muchness went. If I don't know where it is, I don't know how to get it back. I want it back. I don't like feeling like I'm just going through the motions of everyday life; doing things because they have to be done, not because I want to do them. It gets to the point that even doing things that should be fun feels like I'm doing them just because I'm supposed to.

Part of this...not all of it, because it's been going on for a while...I think is linked to the fact that I'm past ready to have a home again. I hate sitting in limbo, and I've been in limbo for almost a year now. I want the purchase of the home to go smoothly and quickly, so I can start painting and making it my house..my home.  I want my pots, pans, and utensils in my kitchen so I can cook properly again.

I want to be able to invite people over to get to know them. I want to be able to make friends again...and I don't really feel like I can do that, mostly, without having someplace to invite people back to. I want to be able to stop feeling like everything is just temporary.

I want a creative outlet again. Maybe that's another part of the problem. With nowhere to channel any creative energy, the energy just gets stifled and dies off. Right now the closest I have to an outlet at all is planning paint colors for the house. That's still limbo, though...and I can't actually do anything with that for another several weeks, at least.

Maybe another part of this is that I can't see myself accomplishing anything right now. Life is a fairly constant circle of getting children to and from school, making sure the dog gets out often enough, getting everyone fed, etc. then just doing it all again the next day. I don't have anything that I can point to and say "I did that". Painting the house, when we get into it, will be a quantifiable accomplishment. It'll be something I can look at and see progress.

I've had ideas for some embroidery projects lately. Maybe I just need to go ahead and buy the materials to do them, simply to be able to see something done. Even if the things I'm embroidering aren't useful in themselves, hopefully just doing them will help.

I want my muchness back. I've seen hints of possibilities in some of the people I've met here...hints of a muchness-nurturing environment. Friends are important for that, you see...at least for me. It's important to have people around who aren't scared off by muchness. Maybe that's why Alice found it easier to find her muchness in Wonderland (Underland?), with the Mad Hatter than she did in Victorian England.

There's a Mad Hatter here somewhere. Maybe I just need a tea party in a Wonderland house to draw him out, find six impossible things to believe before breakfast, and find my muchness again.

Princess Snowflake

Yesterday our family went to a pie festival at a farm museum near our new house. It was a fun day, and we'll likely be back to the museum in the future.

I got home and checked facebook, seeing that my mom had just posted that my grandmother was taken to the hospital with a brain bleed. My comment on her post was "Ack!" Too many other things ran through my head so quickly that I couldn't really post anything else. Then I think my brain shorted out a bit and just went into numb shock.

The idea of anything being seriously wrong with Mamu (my Grandmother) just doesn't compute.

The idea that she might not be around anymore just doesn't compute.

The updates I've gotten so far are that she was taken to the hospital yesterday morning after having a stroke. She has been resting comfortably in the ICU, and the doctors were discussing whether they would be able to do surgery that just went in through one of the blood vessels, or if they would have to do open cranium surgery. I know that her surgery is scheduled for this morning, but still don't know how bad the stroke was, the prognosis for recovery, or anything else.

I was sitting on the couch this morning checking facebook, saw the post saying surgery was scheduled, and started talking to Phil about the fact that is Mamu doesn't pull through, I hope my mom will still be able to come for Christmas...and then I started crying. The shock finally wore off, or at least thinned enough to feel again. I'm glad Phil is here...but he's going home in a couple days.

I've been thinking about Mamu a lot this year. She was born the same day as the Queen of England, and her mother was pen-pals with the queen's nanny. Living in England the last four years, any time I saw the queen, I saw Mamu. This year was the queen's diamond jubilee, so there was a lot of merchandise...commemerative plates, teacups, etc. ... and every time I saw them, I thought of Mamu, and smiled.

Mamu has always been one of the strongest women I knew. When I was little (I couldn't have been more than about 3) my parents helped her move from Santa Barbara up into the mountains. Mamu had retired from the hospital she had worked at for 20 years and was taking a job as a camp nurse at an Outdoor School ("6th grade camp") in the mountains. We moved into the house in Santa Barbara that she had moved out of, and I remember visiting her in the mountains often. Even now, there are smells in the woods that remind me specifically of visiting Mamu at Forest Home.

For years, she worked at the outdoor school during the school year, then at the Christian Camp run on the same site during the summer. Some years, she worked at a different camp during the summer, and we'd drive from Santa Barbara up to Forest Home and move all her things from Forest Home to a camp on a different mountain in June, then back from the other camp (I'm drawing a blank on the camp name now..."All Nations" maybe?) to Forest Home again in the Fall.

I remember that while she was still working at Forest Home during the summers, there was an "Indian Village" section of the camp, where she was given the name "Oaktasha" (I haven't got a clue how to spell it, but that's how it sounds in my head), which means "Princess Snowflake".

One of the parts of Mamu's contract with whatever camp she worked at was that her grandchildren were allowed to come to the camp for free. One summer, Mamu drove me home after a week at camp and I asked my mom where my dad was. That's when I found out my parents were getting a divorce. I was glad that Mamu was there. She hugged me and talked to me about it. Thinking about it now, I'm glad Mamu was there for Mom. There are times we need our moms, even as grown-ups, and I think that was one of them.

Mamu has always been one of the kindest, most caring people I know. However, she's where I learned the phrase "no sympathy for stupidity". If someone did something dumb and hurt themselves, she'd patch them up...but make sure they knew it was dumb, and their own fault.

She learned to ski in Germany, visiting her oldest son who was stationed there. She was in her 50's. I learned to ski in my 20's, and my body doesn't respond the same way or learn things as easily in my 30's...and I've been to Germany's mountains. Learning to ski there at that age impresses me more than I can say.

When I was in high school, my mom, brothers and I were stuck in Texas without a house to live in. (That's a long story for another time.) Mom called Mamu, and was told that Mamu had a house available that we could use in Kansas, and was buying one in Spokane, Washington. Mom picked Spokane, and we started driving. I don't remember if Mamu was with us for the drive (I don't think she was...my uncle Karl and his family were...but again, that's a story for another time) but she met us in Spokane. I wasn't in the Realtor's office with them when the Realtor said we wouldn't be able to move into the house for 6 weeks...but I've heard stories about it, and Mamu basically told the realtor that we were either moving into the house she had already picked that day, or she was walking across the street to a different realtor's office and paying cash for the first house he showed her. We moved into the original house an hour later.

She has always been the sweetest lady in the world...and a heck of a force to be reckoned with if you pissed her off.

She retired from the outdoor school years ago, taking most of the last year off as the sick leave that she hadn't taken for 20 years, and having parts of her body rebuilt (shoulders? knees? eyes? It's the bionic Grandma!)

For the last few years, she's still been working...or working again...this time doing "Elder Care". She's in her 80's...and she's been taking care of a man who's only one year older than she is. That's still impressive to me. The impression I've gotten is that his condition and functionality have improved under her care, because she makes him do things for himself instead of automatically doing things for him. It seems to have been a good arrangement for both of them.

Mamu has always been invincible in my mind. The fact that she's not hits hard.

The timing really sucks, too. This is the one time that there's no way I can get there. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, I can't be there for or with Mom. I know Mom has friends that would be there for her, but I still want to be able to be there if she needs me. Honestly, that's my biggest..."concern" isn't the right word, but it's the best I can come up with.

It feels wrong to contemplate what to do, or what I would do, if Mamu dies. It feels like if I consider it, then it can happen...but if I deny the possibility, she's safe. The thing is, I did that a year and a half ago with Ruth, my mother in law, and she didn't pull through. For her, it was time. For Mamu...I just hope it's not.

Still, though...I don't know what damage the stroke did. I don't want her stuck in a broken body or broken mind. If it's time, it's time, but the world would lose something great.

A Home!

We found a house, and I can already picture it being Home!

There's space. Lots of living space, with high ceilings, windows, skylights...air and light! There's room to move, and room to breathe. There are spaces that are darker, more closed in, that are good for movies, or reading, or just having alone time away from the rest of the family.

I can picture our family living there. I can see Christmases, Parties, Barbecues...

Daisy will love it. There's lots of outside space for her to run and play (including an already-installed invisible fence), and enough space inside for her to be in with the family without being underfoot.

I'm already working on re-designing the kitchen in my head. The space is good, but can be better...and it will be MY kitchen. As it is, there's a skylight over the stove (GAS stove ! YAY!) and windows galore. I can see gorgeous green things out windows on three sides, and the livingroom on the fourth. I can be playing in the kitchen and still be involved in other things that are going on.

I may well gush more about the house later, but people are talking to me, and I can't hold discussions and write at the same time. Besides...we have more things to do today...put the Offer on the house, look for a car so I can stop using a rental...get a cell phone contract so I can have a permanent phone number (and give the kids the ability to reach me if I'm not at home.)

So...busy day...lots to do...but we found a home!

Choosing a home...or at least a house

There's a difference between a house and a home. Right now we're staying in a small rental house. It's programmed in our TomTom as "home"...but it's not. It's just where we're staying. It's a solid base to use while we're looking for a new home.

Over the last few weeks, the girls and I have been looking at houses. This week, Phil is here to go back over the ones the girls and I liked the best. We have it narrowed down to two...and it's two that I've had at the top of my list since we first saw them. I was really hoping that when Phil got here, making the final choice would be easier. Unfortunately, he's just as torn over the two of them as the girls and I are.

The two houses, as we've named them for convenience, are "The Spanish House" and "The Barn House". Both have good points, and drawbacks. We asked the question of the girls, yesterday, "which house could you see us living in?", and got the same answer across the board from the kids. I think I agree with them, but we're still not completely ready to make a final decision.

The "Barn house" was built in the early 1800's, and has a lot of the charm that goes along with it. The house does have sufficient bedrooms and bathrooms for our family, although I'm not so sure about living-space. The land around the house is pretty, and there are established blueberry bushes. The biggest advantage to the house is the barn.

The barn is huge. It is heated, and has a large, fairly finished, rec-room/craftroom area, along with an attic area that would be big enough to easily house SCA dance or fighter practice. There's a lot of storage in the barn, along with horse stalls (currently housing chickens) and a tack room. The barn adds a lot of living space...but you have to walk outside between the house and the barn. I don't see wanting to walk outside to get to the barn in the dark and cold during winter. I can easily see cabin fever setting in fairly quickly during the winter.

The "Spanish House" (named for the stucco exterior and some of the external features) is the one that the entire family can most easily see us living in. It has a big, open floor plan on the ground level, including a deck right off the dining room that would be good to put a BBQ grill on. It has a good sized living room, a place for a wood stove, and a nice little nook for a computer area. Upstairs has another two living room areas (one darker and one lighter), and all four bedrooms.

There is more work that needs to be done in the Spanish house than the barn house. There is a bathtub and toilet in the master bedroom. They aren't in a bathroom attached to the master bedroom - they're actually in the bedroom. That would need to be fixed...but it could wait until next Spring. There's a spot on the floor that needs to be fixed next to a door to one of the decks...and that would have to be fixed before we moved in, but is a small fix. There's a floor that needs to be covered in the computer nook...and other small cosmetic bits, but those would also serve to make the house a bit more "ours".

The land the Spanish House is on is gorgeous. There's a pond, and a stream, and the lot is 8 acres, as opposed to the 3 acres that come with the Barn house. The Spanish house also has an invisible dog fence already installed, and a large field area that we could easily play fetch with Daisy.

The Spanish house is in a town, across the street from the ball field where apparently they do large town gatherings, fireworks, etc. However, it doesn't feel like it's in the middle of a town. There's enough space around the house, and trees, that we wouldn't really see "town" stuff. We'd have easy access to conveniences in town, though, and the school system seems to be the better of the two. Actually, the school system is the best of all the houses we looked at, and is the one that I've had the most people say was good, just letting them know where we were looking at houses.

The Barn house is directly on the road, but not in a town. We would hear traffic going by...not often, maybe, but any time a car went by we would hear it. I would worry too, about Daisy and the road. There's some land with the house, but not as much, and I don't really see it as easy "playing" space with Daisy. Also, I don't see as much room in the house for Daisy to spend time with the family.

The decision isn't final, but I'm pretty sure that we'll pick the Spanish house. We're going back to both houses, in the opposite order that we looked at them yesterday. We'll look at the barn house by looking at the house first, and try to imagine living there without having the barn. We'll look at the rest of the land at the Spanish house and see if we would have enough storage space.

Tomorrow, we should have our decision, and we can start working on the buying process. I'll be glad to have a home again, soon.

Disclaimer - No more hiding. No more Masks.

Part of the deal I made with Phil during this move back to the states was "No more hiding; no more masks". I need to figure out who I am, not who I think people want me to be. This blog is part of that.

It's about time...

I set this blog up months ago, but never actually wrote anything. I don't think I was ready.

A couple of days ago, I set my girls to writing about what was going on in their lives. The oldest two were told they could write "mental vomit"...meaning whatever was in her head, whether it made sense or not...just to get it out. I was told I should do the same thing. I still wasn't ready.

Now, I think I'm getting there. Sitting in a quiet house, our temporary home, with only the sounds of insects and the ticking clock (and computer keys), with sunlight pouring in...my mind is calm enough to start sorting out what is inside.

I've been lost for a long time.

(I've gone to look for myself. If I should arrive before I get back, please hold me until I return.)