Blue moon...and smiles...and rambling...

Today is likely to be a REALLY long day. I have a normal lunch shift at work, then we have a special event at work tonight. Someone is hosting a party for"400 of his closest friends" at the club...with a 1950's theme, so I get to tend bar wearing a poodle skirt.

Actually, the party sounds fun...but considering that the host scheduled the party to be the night of the full moon (a Blue moon), outside, to be able to have people see the sunset and the moon come up...I expect this to run late. When I asked my boss how late he expected it to run, he'd said "oh, not that late". Yeah. Sure.

I started questioning how late this party was going to run when I first heard about it.

The restaurant usually closes at 8pm. A "late" night at work is getting out at 11pm after cleaning up.

It's not dark yet at 8pm. The sunset  has been happening at around 7:30, so it's not full dark until after 10...and I'm not really expecting the guy hosting the party to be shutting down the bar(s) until there has been a good viewing of the moon. Then we'll have clean-up.

Definitely going to be a late night...

...but I'm actually looking forward to it.

We had a couple days last week where we had one or more events going at the club, and one of the days, toward the end of one of the events, when we were about to start cleaning up to set for the next one (actually, I think that's when we had less than an hour to clean up from an event and set for dinner), the bartender looked at me and said "how are you always smiling?"

The question actually made me giggle inside a bit. The answer I gave her was "practice"...but I think that's only part of it.

I like working events. I like working at the club, most of the time. I can honestly say I'm smiling because I'm having fun.

I also smile, though,  when things go wrong. Oh, not always...but little things...or at least things without emotional impact...I'll smile at them. When things go wonky at work, or with the house or car, I've gotten to the point that my first reaction is to smile. The more the problem grows, the bigger the smile gets. It seems like an odd response...but it seems to work, at least for a while.

Conditioned responses are wonderful, sometimes.

Amusement is a better emotional reaction to share than frustration or pissy-ness. It confuses people, sometimes, but it doesn't eat away at me like the more negative emotions would. No, I can't always do it, but when I can, it does make life easier. It goes along with the idea of "don't sweat the small stuff."

Attitudes are contagious. I'd rather spread one that I'd want to receive.

So...while I may be exhausted by the end of the night, chances are, I'll still be smiling.

Phoenix

I know several people have been concerned about me this week. While I still can't/won't give specifics on the details, I can give a basic explanation.

The short version is that a friend had a problem with my friendship with her husband. She doesn't want me speaking to either of them...so I lost both friends. Or, more accurately, I lost access both friends.

However, in the process...I found stronger friendships elsewhere. People I haven't talked to much in a while became invaluable support while I worked through how I felt. People I've only recently (in the last year) met, also came forward to offer their support...not knowing anything about what happened...just that I needed friends.

I also found strength in myself that I'd lost before, and settled more comfortably into my skin. I figured out more of who I am, and realized that I don't need to hide myself. I can either spend energy trying to hide who I am to keep myself "safe", or I can accept who I am, share it, and trust that the people who can't accept it are people I don't need around me anyway. I don't have to be liked by everyone. I have to be liked by myself.

I do like myself.

I'm more at peace with who I am than I think I've been in years.

I told Phil the other day that I felt like a Phoenix...glowing and bright and free. It just took going through the fire to find this feeling and this strength.

Now, the trick is to keep it. I don't think that's going to be a problem, though. I don't think this is another mask. I think this is what was under the masks, when they were burned away.

Friends

I have wonderful friends. I just have to say that.

I often forget how good it feels to have emotional support when I need it. Largely, it's because I forget to ask for it when I need it. I'm learning.

I have friends who remind me that making a bad decision does not make me a bad person, and that having selfish thoughts and desires doesn't make me a selfish person, even when I admit those thoughts and temporarily give in to those desires.

I have friends who remind me not to be dumb. I can tell my friends things that I want to do, but know I shouldn't...and they'll reinforce the reason I shoudn't, without judging me for wanting to. Sometimes, they'll even find ways for me to make the arguments myself...as much as I may hate it at the time. Forcing me to admit things I already know, and accept them...is something that only a good friend can do.

Having good friends is like having a good toolbox. Each friendship fills a different need. It's not reasonable to expect one friend to do everything. Some friends are like hammers (they'll beat on whatever or whoever needs it), others are like pliers (they help you get a grip), some are like screwdrivers (...we'll just leave that one alone...)and some are like multitools (good for a variety of needs, but not necessarily the best tool for a specific job.) I realized this last week how well stocked my toolbox actually is.

My friends...new, old, near, and far...showed me this week how blessed I really am.

Friendships and Relationships

I'm stuck. Damnit...I don't know how to fix it.

I'm friends with a couple, but I'm more friends with each of them individually than with the two of them together. (This is a kinda clunky explanation, but I'm trying to work through it in my head as I write it.)

Now, the big issue at the moment is that she feels like she doesn't have many friends of her own. (All her friends are his friends, too.) I don't want her to feel like I'm just one of his friends who tolerates her, or like I'm only friends with her because I'm friends with him...because the friendship with her started first. The friendship with him just kind of jumped farther ahead all of a sudden.

I don't want to pick sides. I don't want to lose either of them. I don't want to cause problems between the two of them...

I've been in her position. I want to help...but I'm not sure I can. I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take two steps back...

I'm stuck.

Damnit.

What I don't let you see

I'm tired, but don't want to go up to an empty bed alone.

I'm hungry, but don't want to eat. When I do make myself eat, it doesn't help and I'm still hungry.

My body is sore and achy - beyond anything reasonable for anything physical I've done lately.

My eyes are dry, but I can feel the place where the tears should be.

It isn't depression this time...at least not a clinical depression that would be fixed with meds. It's just loneliness, and missing my husband who is far away.

Here's the thing...if you see me at work, or at the store, or on the street...I'm probably smiling. If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you I'm fine. I'll believe I really am fine.

At night, though...alone...when the kids are in bed and I don't have work to concentrate on...maybe I'm not actually fine.

I will be, though. I always am.

This is part of the choice I made when I married someone in the military.

Trust and weakness

I realized recently what it is that makes a great friend, in my mind. A great friend is one I can show weakness in front of.

I'm not even sure how I make the decision as to who I can show weakness to and who I can't. I think it's an instinctive thing. There's some subconscious cue, I guess. Until I have that level of trust for someone, though, I can't fully relax around them. There are very few people I've met since leaving Spokane that fit that. Even some of the people I used to know in Spokane, I find it hard to relax fully around them now, since it's been so long.

Physical weakness is hard to show, but I can usually laugh that off. I can accept physical help when I need to. I can even ask for it sometimes. Emotional weakness is much harder. I always feel like I should be able to handle anything, or that I should at least be able to appear like I can handle anything. I know I'm only human, but my standards for myself are higher than they are for anyone else. Yes, I know it's not reasonable, but it's become habit to hide anything I think could be taken as weakness.

Now, part of why this came to mind recently is that I realized that even drinking alcohol I'm generally not willing to relax completely. I have to be in control...always...because I don't trust that anyone else will keep me safe if I can't do it. Surprisingly, I found someone recently who would. It was completely unexpected, and I don't think I even realized that I had gained that level of trust for that person until I needed it. The person made sure I drank enough water, and made it back to my tent, and even checked on me the next day to be sure I was still ok.

I hadn't realized how much I missed that. Yes, I have that trust with Phil, but it's different. I need other people that I know I can lean on, and that I'm not afraid of disappointing.

I know it's all in my head, but I don't know how to change it. Maybe it's how I see people respond to other people's weakness. Maybe it's just choices I see people make in general. I don't know. All I know is that I'm working on finding that level of trust, both in myself, and in others again.