Feelings...deployment and Pensic

I promised Phil that I'd start writing again, especially about how I'm feeling. He's heading off to someplace sandy again, and I tend to shut down and close off emotionally while he's gone, so I promised I'd work on it. I should be writing here and sending him regular e-mails about how I feel, not what I'm doing, but how I'm feeling. That is likely to be a bit rough.

I'll start now, because it should set a foundation for later.

How I feel about Phil deploying: Mostly numb. I know that's not really a good reaction, but it's an honest one right now. I know I'm going to miss him, and I know my tendency is to ignore the fact that I miss him as much as possible. After all, crying in front of the girls isn't helpful. Crying doesn't accomplish anything other than disturbing people. (Yes, I know that's not really true, crying is a healthy response to pain, emotional or physical, but I also know that I'll give myself every excuse to not do it.)

How I feel about taking the girls to Pensic without Phil: Slightly terrified, on multiple levels, and sad that he won't be there with us. I'm taking my daughters to an event with more than 10,000 people for a week. It's too big to effectively know where they are all the time, and I have to largely trust that they are safe and that I have trained them well.

The other slightly terrifying part of Pensic is that I'm going to an event with that many people and I don't really have a "wingman" that I know well. I have friends who will be there that I want to get to know better, but I don't really have anyone yet that I can completely relax around or that will notice that I'm having problems before I do. I miss having the support structure and group of friends that I had in Spokane, and honestly haven't had completely since then. It's friends who will keep me from doing something blatantly dumb, but who I don't have to worry about how my words or actions will be perceived. I didn't have to be politically correct with them. I don't have that comfort level with people here yet.

I'm actually hoping that Pensic this year will help form the foundation for some of those friendships. There are some specific people I know I want to spend time with, talk to, and be silly with. I need people I can show weakness to without worrying about it. I need to feel comfortable venting frustration with people or situations without worrying how the breakdown will be perceived. I know these relationships take time, effort, and a leap of faith to trust people enough to start with.