"Inconcievable"

Lately, I've been having the thought that there are a couple words that do not mean what most people seem to think they mean. The two words, "depression" and "introvert", are words that most people who meet me currently would never expect to apply to me. However, they are things that can very much affect things that are going on "behind the scenes" in my head.


Lets start with "depression". I take an anti-depressant every day and don't expect that to change any time soon, or maybe ever. The dose I take is very small, and it doesn't make me "happy". Without it, I'm not "sad". Even with the meds, there are some days that are harder than others...just like people with "normal" brain chemistry.

At work, I'm one of the most cheerful, outgoing people you have ever seen. I'm a waitress. Being in a good mood is part of my job. Very rarely will you see me at work without a smile on my face...a real smile that goes all the way up into my eyes. My supervisor is convinced that I never get bad moods. She would have a hard time believing that I suffer from depression.

The thing is, even on a bad day, because I take the daily meds, things don't get too bad. There have been days I've gone into work and my entire body ached, for no good reason. That's one of the things depression does, sometimes...cause physical pain for no good reason. There have been days that it was hard to peel myself off the sofa to get ready for work, because I really didn't have the energy to do anything. By the time I got to work, though, I appeared just as chipper and energetic as ever. That doesn't mean I was...at least at first...but honestly, having a reason to appear happy really does make me feel more happy, too. Having a reason to be moving means that eventually momentum will take over.

In some ways, my depression has gotten  more sneaky lately. (It does that. Depression is an insidious little parasite.) It doesn't seem to rear it's head while I'm at work, but it does, sometimes, after I'm at home, or before I go in. There are nights that I can't sleep, even if I'm tired. There are days I'm so physically sensitive that I can't stand the thought, much less the reality, of being touched. None of these are things that most people would associate with "depression", yet they're often the reality.

Likewise, I'm so outgoing at work that most people wouldn't believe that I'm actually an introvert. Honestly, until last year, I didn't really understand what it meant to be an introvert. "Introverts" aren't necessarily shy or antisocial. However, being around people will drain their energy and they need alone-time to recharge. I love talking to people at work. I love having groups of people over to the house. Still...eventually I need time on my own or I will continue feeling drained.

This last weekend was a perfect example. I worked all day Friday and Saturday, then had a large number of people at the house all day Sunday. I had a blast. Then Monday, Phil and I were both off work and spent the day together. As much as I love him...Phil is still "people", so I didn't really have a break from people for several days. By Tuesday night, when I was home from work and the kids came home from school asking about going to their school carnival, I really wasn't up to dealing with more people at the carnival. (Thankfully, the school was close enough and my girls are responsible enough that I could let them go on their own.) I did feel a bit guilty about not going with them, but I also knew that it was the best course of action.

So, I guess the point I'm actually heading towards is, you never really know what's going on behind the scenes in someone's head. Introverts can be socially outgoing. People with depression can be some of the most cheerful people you've ever seen. Sometimes, words don't mean what you think they mean.