A few weeks ago, I watched the Tim Burton version of "Alice in Wonderland". At one point in the movie, the Mad Hatter looks at Alice and says "You used to be much more...'muchier.' You've lost your muchness". That struck a cord. I looked at the friend who was watching the movie with me and said "That's the problem; I've lost my muchness!" To which he replies "Yes, you have."
I don't know what happened, but I want it back.
Once upon a time, I was a princess in a magical flower land called the Morning Glory Realm. Trolls took over the royal palace and my fellow princess and I had to take up residence in a fort in the staghorn wood instead.
Once upon a time, I taught scared children to imagine a glowing bubble around them that monsters couldn't get through.
Once upon a time, I saw the possibilities before the problems.
Once upon a time, my willpower was enough to keep bad weather at bay.
Once upon a time, I had an inner glow that would come out when I talked to people or did things. Talking about fairy tales, or having a good debate, or dancing...I could feel the light inside shining out through my eyes.
Once upon a time...
I don't know what happened, or where the muchness went. If I don't know where it is, I don't know how to get it back. I want it back. I don't like feeling like I'm just going through the motions of everyday life; doing things because they have to be done, not because I want to do them. It gets to the point that even doing things that should be fun feels like I'm doing them just because I'm supposed to.
Part of this...not all of it, because it's been going on for a while...I think is linked to the fact that I'm past ready to have a home again. I hate sitting in limbo, and I've been in limbo for almost a year now. I want the purchase of the home to go smoothly and quickly, so I can start painting and making it my house..my home. I want my pots, pans, and utensils in my kitchen so I can cook properly again.
I want to be able to invite people over to get to know them. I want to be able to make friends again...and I don't really feel like I can do that, mostly, without having someplace to invite people back to. I want to be able to stop feeling like everything is just temporary.
I want a creative outlet again. Maybe that's another part of the problem. With nowhere to channel any creative energy, the energy just gets stifled and dies off. Right now the closest I have to an outlet at all is planning paint colors for the house. That's still limbo, though...and I can't actually do anything with that for another several weeks, at least.
Maybe another part of this is that I can't see myself accomplishing anything right now. Life is a fairly constant circle of getting children to and from school, making sure the dog gets out often enough, getting everyone fed, etc. then just doing it all again the next day. I don't have anything that I can point to and say "I did that". Painting the house, when we get into it, will be a quantifiable accomplishment. It'll be something I can look at and see progress.
I've had ideas for some embroidery projects lately. Maybe I just need to go ahead and buy the materials to do them, simply to be able to see something done. Even if the things I'm embroidering aren't useful in themselves, hopefully just doing them will help.
I want my muchness back. I've seen hints of possibilities in some of the people I've met here...hints of a muchness-nurturing environment. Friends are important for that, you see...at least for me. It's important to have people around who aren't scared off by muchness. Maybe that's why Alice found it easier to find her muchness in Wonderland (Underland?), with the Mad Hatter than she did in Victorian England.
There's a Mad Hatter here somewhere. Maybe I just need a tea party in a Wonderland house to draw him out, find six impossible things to believe before breakfast, and find my muchness again.
I don't know what happened, but I want it back.
Once upon a time, I was a princess in a magical flower land called the Morning Glory Realm. Trolls took over the royal palace and my fellow princess and I had to take up residence in a fort in the staghorn wood instead.
Once upon a time, I taught scared children to imagine a glowing bubble around them that monsters couldn't get through.
Once upon a time, I saw the possibilities before the problems.
Once upon a time, my willpower was enough to keep bad weather at bay.
Once upon a time, I had an inner glow that would come out when I talked to people or did things. Talking about fairy tales, or having a good debate, or dancing...I could feel the light inside shining out through my eyes.
Once upon a time...
I don't know what happened, or where the muchness went. If I don't know where it is, I don't know how to get it back. I want it back. I don't like feeling like I'm just going through the motions of everyday life; doing things because they have to be done, not because I want to do them. It gets to the point that even doing things that should be fun feels like I'm doing them just because I'm supposed to.
Part of this...not all of it, because it's been going on for a while...I think is linked to the fact that I'm past ready to have a home again. I hate sitting in limbo, and I've been in limbo for almost a year now. I want the purchase of the home to go smoothly and quickly, so I can start painting and making it my house..my home. I want my pots, pans, and utensils in my kitchen so I can cook properly again.
I want to be able to invite people over to get to know them. I want to be able to make friends again...and I don't really feel like I can do that, mostly, without having someplace to invite people back to. I want to be able to stop feeling like everything is just temporary.
I want a creative outlet again. Maybe that's another part of the problem. With nowhere to channel any creative energy, the energy just gets stifled and dies off. Right now the closest I have to an outlet at all is planning paint colors for the house. That's still limbo, though...and I can't actually do anything with that for another several weeks, at least.
Maybe another part of this is that I can't see myself accomplishing anything right now. Life is a fairly constant circle of getting children to and from school, making sure the dog gets out often enough, getting everyone fed, etc. then just doing it all again the next day. I don't have anything that I can point to and say "I did that". Painting the house, when we get into it, will be a quantifiable accomplishment. It'll be something I can look at and see progress.
I've had ideas for some embroidery projects lately. Maybe I just need to go ahead and buy the materials to do them, simply to be able to see something done. Even if the things I'm embroidering aren't useful in themselves, hopefully just doing them will help.
I want my muchness back. I've seen hints of possibilities in some of the people I've met here...hints of a muchness-nurturing environment. Friends are important for that, you see...at least for me. It's important to have people around who aren't scared off by muchness. Maybe that's why Alice found it easier to find her muchness in Wonderland (Underland?), with the Mad Hatter than she did in Victorian England.
There's a Mad Hatter here somewhere. Maybe I just need a tea party in a Wonderland house to draw him out, find six impossible things to believe before breakfast, and find my muchness again.
Embroidery is a good creativity outlet. I don't know what your ideas are, but you mentioned that they weren't useful. Perhaps you could embroider a hanging to put in your new home as a first step in making the house yours. That way you could have an outlet and get an earlier start on the house.
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