fear

When I started this blog a few years ago, one of the first things I wrote was about the fact that there would be "no more hiding; no more masks".

What happened?

Over the last year (or just over a year), I've been closing off more and more and sharing less and less of what's going on in my life. That's not just on this blog, but it's in person, too.

Why?

I've been afraid.

I've been afraid of what would happen if people knew who I really was or what was going on in my life. I was afraid of the repercussions for other people.

I was afraid that some of my less conventional beliefs or choices would be bad for my husband's career, or mine. I was afraid that my girls' friends' parents would decide that they didn't want their children being friends with mine.

I didn't want who I am to reflect badly on my family.

Irrational fears? Maybe. Probably. But still very real, and very paralyzing.

It means that I haven't been able to open up to people. It means that I haven't been able to feel like I had any close friends that I could really trust.

When things were going well, I couldn't share it. When things were going badly, I couldn't ask for help. There wasn't anyone who could understand, because no one got all the pieces of the puzzle.

It's lonely.

Incredibly lonely.

I'm afraid of disapproval from people I care about and respect. I'm afraid that who I am will either get me rejected, or will hurt people I love.

I'm afraid to be vulnerable.

I'm afraid to be alone.

That fear led to choices which led to loss.

Fear and depression are great friends. They're two sneaky dark voices in the back of my head. Neither one leads to good places...but they are both very hard to ignore.