It's been brought to my attention, a few times lately, that I haven't posted anything here recently. There's been a lot going on, and most of is is not, and can't be, public. Still, there are things I probably can, and should be processing by typing publicly. Without giving information that is not mine to share, I will try to explain part of what has been happening.
A few months ago, I saw things in my behavior that would have raised red flags if I had seen them in anyone else. I was changing plans based on what I thought would make others happy. I was focused entirely on others needs and wants, or what I perceived those needs and wants were, and not at all on my own. I didn't make decisions for MY wants and needs, only for others'. Sometimes it wasn't even because the choices I made were because they would make someone else happy. Often, it was because I didn't want to make someone else upset/sad/angry. This isn't the first time it had happened, but it was the first time I noticed as it was happening, and realized I didn't want to live like that.
The wording I put to it at the time was that I was acting like an abuse victim.
Now, to be clear, to my knowledge I have never actually been abused. So why was I acting like it?
That's the question. I don't know.
Hmm…maybe that's not the right question.
What am I going to do about it?
Ah…now THAT seems to be the right question, or at least the one to deal with first.
First, I had to accept that I wasn't fully responsible for other people's feelings. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't consider how my actions would affect other people, but it means that shouldn't be the only, or even the most important factor in my decisions. I needed to sort out what I wanted and needed, and make myself a priority.
That isn't nearly as easy as it sounds. It takes small steps, and sometimes it took fighting with myself to stick up for a choice I knew I wanted, even if it hurt someone else's feelings. I had to learn to ask for things I wanted, even if I was fairly sure it was something that would bother the person I was asking.
I'm still working on that. Some days are easier than others. Some people aren't dealing with it as well as I'd hoped, and I'm having to learn that I have no control over that, and I need to make my decisions anyway.
Most people, looking at me, will say that I seem much more confident than that. They'll say "wow, really? You always seem to have everything together".
I have massive insecurities, that, again, people will say "but what do you have to be insecure about"?
The thing is, I know most of them are unreasonable and unfounded. I went through years of feeling like my husband didn't really want me, but I was just who was there, available, and convenient. He did NOTHING to encourage that belief, and usually didn't realize it was there. I know, now, that it was all in my head. I'm not afraid or insecure on that level anymore…but it was a hard "demon" to kill.
Sneaky demon voices in my head feed other insecurities now, and it's sometimes hard to sort which ones are just those demons, and which are true assessments of a situation. Trying to find a job has been where a lot of that was popping up. I know what I'm good at, and what I enjoy doing, and I'm lucky that they're the same thing. Trying to find a job at the level I'm qualified for, though, is hard. I worry that maybe I'm not as good as I think I am…that I'll fail…
…but maybe part of what I need to learn is that failure isn't the worst thing in the world.
Fear is worse than failure.
Fear means not even trying.
Facing fear isn't easy. I think it's the biggest demon I have. Or it's what feeds all the other ones in my head.
Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being a good enough mother/wife/friend. Fear of making mistakes that hurt people. Fear of losing myself.
Ok, some of those are valid and I should be afraid of. I've lost myself before, and don't want to do it again. But…I've done that. I survived. I'm getting better…
Being alone isn't something I should be as terrified of either. No matter what happens, I'm not alone. I have friends. I have family. I have people who will help me if I truly need it…
As much as I may be afraid that I'm not a good enough mother/wife/friend…I don't have to be perfect. All I can be is me, and do my best…and that's what people love me for. I don't need to try to be someone else. I shouldn't try to be someone else.
Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt people. All I can truly do is try my best not to make them, try to fix them when I do, and forgive myself.
All of this is much easier to say than to do, but typing it means that I have to think about it and maybe remember it better.
"All that matters is what a man can do and what a man can't do."
I can fight my own demons. I can't fight anyone else's.
A few months ago, I saw things in my behavior that would have raised red flags if I had seen them in anyone else. I was changing plans based on what I thought would make others happy. I was focused entirely on others needs and wants, or what I perceived those needs and wants were, and not at all on my own. I didn't make decisions for MY wants and needs, only for others'. Sometimes it wasn't even because the choices I made were because they would make someone else happy. Often, it was because I didn't want to make someone else upset/sad/angry. This isn't the first time it had happened, but it was the first time I noticed as it was happening, and realized I didn't want to live like that.
The wording I put to it at the time was that I was acting like an abuse victim.
Now, to be clear, to my knowledge I have never actually been abused. So why was I acting like it?
That's the question. I don't know.
Hmm…maybe that's not the right question.
What am I going to do about it?
Ah…now THAT seems to be the right question, or at least the one to deal with first.
First, I had to accept that I wasn't fully responsible for other people's feelings. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't consider how my actions would affect other people, but it means that shouldn't be the only, or even the most important factor in my decisions. I needed to sort out what I wanted and needed, and make myself a priority.
That isn't nearly as easy as it sounds. It takes small steps, and sometimes it took fighting with myself to stick up for a choice I knew I wanted, even if it hurt someone else's feelings. I had to learn to ask for things I wanted, even if I was fairly sure it was something that would bother the person I was asking.
I'm still working on that. Some days are easier than others. Some people aren't dealing with it as well as I'd hoped, and I'm having to learn that I have no control over that, and I need to make my decisions anyway.
Most people, looking at me, will say that I seem much more confident than that. They'll say "wow, really? You always seem to have everything together".
I have massive insecurities, that, again, people will say "but what do you have to be insecure about"?
The thing is, I know most of them are unreasonable and unfounded. I went through years of feeling like my husband didn't really want me, but I was just who was there, available, and convenient. He did NOTHING to encourage that belief, and usually didn't realize it was there. I know, now, that it was all in my head. I'm not afraid or insecure on that level anymore…but it was a hard "demon" to kill.
Sneaky demon voices in my head feed other insecurities now, and it's sometimes hard to sort which ones are just those demons, and which are true assessments of a situation. Trying to find a job has been where a lot of that was popping up. I know what I'm good at, and what I enjoy doing, and I'm lucky that they're the same thing. Trying to find a job at the level I'm qualified for, though, is hard. I worry that maybe I'm not as good as I think I am…that I'll fail…
…but maybe part of what I need to learn is that failure isn't the worst thing in the world.
Fear is worse than failure.
Fear means not even trying.
Facing fear isn't easy. I think it's the biggest demon I have. Or it's what feeds all the other ones in my head.
Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being a good enough mother/wife/friend. Fear of making mistakes that hurt people. Fear of losing myself.
Ok, some of those are valid and I should be afraid of. I've lost myself before, and don't want to do it again. But…I've done that. I survived. I'm getting better…
Being alone isn't something I should be as terrified of either. No matter what happens, I'm not alone. I have friends. I have family. I have people who will help me if I truly need it…
As much as I may be afraid that I'm not a good enough mother/wife/friend…I don't have to be perfect. All I can be is me, and do my best…and that's what people love me for. I don't need to try to be someone else. I shouldn't try to be someone else.
Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt people. All I can truly do is try my best not to make them, try to fix them when I do, and forgive myself.
All of this is much easier to say than to do, but typing it means that I have to think about it and maybe remember it better.
"All that matters is what a man can do and what a man can't do."
I can fight my own demons. I can't fight anyone else's.
I often feel similar to you. I have had to let go of friendships because I needed to separate myself completely so that I could focus on trying to get better. New problems always presents themselves when we are not ready to handle more. I miss you and Phil and even though you are struggling now, you always come through it for the better, so I know you find your way in this. All my love and tons of hugs :) Jessica Hood (Whitehurst)
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