One of the girls asked me something the other day, that made me more than a little sad. Not that she asked...but that it was even a question.
"Are we middle class? Or are we Working Poor?"
ouch.
As much as I try not to let the girls see me having issues with finances, they know it's happening. There's a lot of "that needs to wait until next week's grocery list", or "Can that wait until Friday, when I'm paid again?"
Finances are generally a taboo subject in our society. When you're doing well, you don't want to flaunt it. When you're not? You don't want anyone to know how much you're struggling. So...here's the dirty truth about where I am.
I've seen articles on Facebook about being "one minor event away from disaster". Yup. That's it.
Last summer, I made the decision to switch jobs to try to salvage my mental health. It didn't really do as much good as it should have...and turned out to have been a horrible financial decision. I was still working close to 60 hour weeks, but didn't have the income, really, to build up the reserves I needed for the winter. The job I worked all summer was a seasonal job...so that left me out of work for two months while I tried to find something else...preferably something that would be both financially and emotionally better for me.
There were consequences to these decisions. Big ones.
Living on Unemployment for two months meant that bills didn't get paid. I could pay for gas, and groceries...but big things like car payments and electricity bills? Yeah...those slid. Credit card payments? Nope. Didn't get made, because groceries were more important.
Kids needed things...clothes, school supplies...those got paid for, but it meant that maybe the internet bill wasn't paid on time...
Automatic payments that were set up attached to debit cards...well, the payment maybe got made...but it overdrew the account. Sometimes, that meant that the money got pulled from a joint account that I wasn't supposed to be touching, because the money isn't really mine.. Sometimes, it meant that the account overdrew far enough that if I set up my direct deposit to go to the account, it will eat half a paycheck to bring it current...so it stays overdrawn.
Oh...and there was Christmas...even if I didn't spend much on Christmas and did my best to make gifts where I could...Christmas still costs money, and letting Christmas go because there is really no money to pay for anything (or because the money should be going to pay things off) isn't really a good option when you have kids and are already struggling with the fact that you've just told them you're divorcing their dad.
Oh yeah...there was that, too. Making the decision to get divorced when you have no financial security? SCARY AS SHIT! But, really...financial security would be a really bad reason to stay married,( and wouldn't be fair to anyone concerned). Moving on...
So...Winter in the Northeast...It gets cold. Houses are heated with oil, wood, or electricity. Ours is heated by oil and wood...but heating with wood only works if there's someone home, and generally, awake...who can and will tend the fire and keep feeding the woodstove. Heating with wood is cheaper than heating with oil, and we have wood...but since I'm now working, and the kids are at school...the house is empty for 10-11 hours/day, and so there's no one to maintain the fire. Yeah, we could build a fire when someone gets home...but it takes time for the heat to build up...so that means we're generally using oil.
Here's the thing about the companies that deliver heating oil. If you haven't paid off the last delivery...they won't make a new one. So...when we were out of oil, I had to borrow money from someplace I shouldn't to pay off the last tank, and...oh wait...I need to pay this one off before I'll be able to get more. Bugger. I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to find that money before we are out of oil. (On the upside, so far, this winter has been relatively warm most of the time, and I have the heat set on a schedule that drops the temp when we are asleep or no one is home.)
So what am I behind on?
"Are we middle class? Or are we Working Poor?"
ouch.
As much as I try not to let the girls see me having issues with finances, they know it's happening. There's a lot of "that needs to wait until next week's grocery list", or "Can that wait until Friday, when I'm paid again?"
Finances are generally a taboo subject in our society. When you're doing well, you don't want to flaunt it. When you're not? You don't want anyone to know how much you're struggling. So...here's the dirty truth about where I am.
I've seen articles on Facebook about being "one minor event away from disaster". Yup. That's it.
Last summer, I made the decision to switch jobs to try to salvage my mental health. It didn't really do as much good as it should have...and turned out to have been a horrible financial decision. I was still working close to 60 hour weeks, but didn't have the income, really, to build up the reserves I needed for the winter. The job I worked all summer was a seasonal job...so that left me out of work for two months while I tried to find something else...preferably something that would be both financially and emotionally better for me.
There were consequences to these decisions. Big ones.
Living on Unemployment for two months meant that bills didn't get paid. I could pay for gas, and groceries...but big things like car payments and electricity bills? Yeah...those slid. Credit card payments? Nope. Didn't get made, because groceries were more important.
Kids needed things...clothes, school supplies...those got paid for, but it meant that maybe the internet bill wasn't paid on time...
Automatic payments that were set up attached to debit cards...well, the payment maybe got made...but it overdrew the account. Sometimes, that meant that the money got pulled from a joint account that I wasn't supposed to be touching, because the money isn't really mine.. Sometimes, it meant that the account overdrew far enough that if I set up my direct deposit to go to the account, it will eat half a paycheck to bring it current...so it stays overdrawn.
Oh...and there was Christmas...even if I didn't spend much on Christmas and did my best to make gifts where I could...Christmas still costs money, and letting Christmas go because there is really no money to pay for anything (or because the money should be going to pay things off) isn't really a good option when you have kids and are already struggling with the fact that you've just told them you're divorcing their dad.
Oh yeah...there was that, too. Making the decision to get divorced when you have no financial security? SCARY AS SHIT! But, really...financial security would be a really bad reason to stay married,( and wouldn't be fair to anyone concerned). Moving on...
So...Winter in the Northeast...It gets cold. Houses are heated with oil, wood, or electricity. Ours is heated by oil and wood...but heating with wood only works if there's someone home, and generally, awake...who can and will tend the fire and keep feeding the woodstove. Heating with wood is cheaper than heating with oil, and we have wood...but since I'm now working, and the kids are at school...the house is empty for 10-11 hours/day, and so there's no one to maintain the fire. Yeah, we could build a fire when someone gets home...but it takes time for the heat to build up...so that means we're generally using oil.
Here's the thing about the companies that deliver heating oil. If you haven't paid off the last delivery...they won't make a new one. So...when we were out of oil, I had to borrow money from someplace I shouldn't to pay off the last tank, and...oh wait...I need to pay this one off before I'll be able to get more. Bugger. I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to find that money before we are out of oil. (On the upside, so far, this winter has been relatively warm most of the time, and I have the heat set on a schedule that drops the temp when we are asleep or no one is home.)
So what am I behind on?
- Car payments. (Almost caught up...but still barely staying ahead or repo notices.)
- Car insurance - no money means no insurance...and praying that nothing happens.
- Electric payments - got a shut-off notice, with no real notice because of when I actually received it...so I get to call and beg the electric company to take small payments every week until I can catch up...
- Heating oil - The last tank was around $550, and needs to be paid off before I can get more. It's been a month since the tank was filled, and I'm praying that I have another month, at least, before I need more...but I can't count on it.
- Internet payments - I think I'm only a month behind on these, but it did get shut off one day while I was juggling bills. I made enough of a payment to get it turned back on...but I think that was a month ago?
- Medical bills - I don't know WHY I have medical bills showing up...my insurance shouldn't have $100 co-pays for anything that has happened in the last year...and yet...they're showing up.
- Credit Cards - Two store cards and one regular card...and they weren't paid at all for a couple months. One store card and the regular credit card have been shut off for the late payments...or lack of payments...and even when I get them paid off, I don't know that I'm likely to qualify for a credit card again for a long time.
- Vehicles - I still need to get the inspection for the Blazer ($40), and pay for the repairs that I know it will need to be safe to drive. My car needs an oil change, and has a chip in the windshield that really should be fixed before a freak weather day turns the chip into a crack and I need a whole new windshield (between the two, that's probably another $150).
- Kid stuff - Becky is applying to colleges that need official copies of her SAT scores sent...and it's looking like that will be another $100 or so. I still owe a bit of money for Kelly to do wrestling at school (mostly paid off, so far, but the school doesn't pay for it at all.)
I have nothing in savings. I have an overdrawn checking account. I'm bringing home around $500/week, assuming that I work a full week, since I don't get paid time off or Holiday pay yet.
I'm working...but my job is still considered a temp job, and there's a chance (though I don't think it's likely) that the company won't decide to hire me on permanently at the end of the three month temp period. There's also the chance that they won't actually give me a raise if they do hire me permanently...even though I took the job knowing that it was below what I really need to be making.
We live in a nice house (which needs repairs, but is currently not falling down...yet), and have reasonably nutritious food on the table.(The girls qualify for free lunches at school, though.) I drive a nice(ish) looking car. that's less than 10 years old.
I'm making a point to make sure some money get spent on "wants", not just "needs"...because otherwise, I'll go nuts. I have $30 going to a Dunkin Donuts card every week, to grab coffee on my way to work...because it makes me happy and keeps me sane. I have to remind myself that it's ok...not an unnecessary indulgence. I'm planning on spending money to take the girls to an SCA event next weekend...even if it means juggling things...because going out and doing things is important.
Honestly, I'm scared. I'm afraid something will go wrong, and I won't have the money to cover it. It wouldn't take much.
I sat in a parking lot the other night, bawling, over money. And then dried my eyes, and went to be social...pretending nothing was wrong...because that's what you do.
So here is my not pretending. This is what's really going on. I'll smile at you in person and pretend like everything is fine...because that's what you do. But really...it's not.
I know I'm not alone, even when it feels like I am. Hopefully, someone else reading this will be able to see that they're not alone, either...and maybe people will see this who think everything is always fine just because they can't see the problems, because the rest of us hide them...and will realize that things aren't nearly as ok as they look.
(Seriously...it's scary that I was more financially stable waiting tables.)
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