There's a lot going on right now. More change than any other time in my life, I think. It's terrifying, and I feel very alone. I'm going to have to pick my battles, because I don't know that I can handle everything at once.This is not where I ever imagined or wanted my life to be.
So...a few days ago, I asked Phil for a divorce. This was not an easy choice, and I know it was a confusing one, especially to him. I'm hurting, because it's not what I wanted, but it is what I think is best. I had to come to the decision, and implement it, while I was calm...not angry...not afraid,,,and that was even harder. Fear or Anger would have been a buffer; would have made it easier...but also would have left more doubt, and I would have always been second guessing the choice, saying "but we can get better." The hard, heartbreaking truth is, we may have been able to get better...eventually...but I also don't know that I would ever trust it.
I don't blame either of us...and I blame both of us...for getting here. We are both victims...and neither of us are victims. We both made mistakes and treated each other badly. We were/are both incapable of fully filling the needs of the other. There are some fundamental places where we don't agree, and that's fine...but they don't make for a healthy partnership on the level that I think a marriage should be.
I feel very alone, and feel like that is my fault. Years ago, in Spokane, I had a wonderful support structure built up. It built up over years, when I was strong enough to give of myself and be someone fun to be around. I was able to offer support, and be the kind of friend I wanted and needed from others.
I haven't been able to do that here. Part of that is due to geography...part is due to brain chemistry...part is due to choices I have made...part of that is due to a sense of duty to my children. Honestly, it doesn't really matter. The fact is, I haven't been able to build the system I need here. I haven't paid into it, so I feel like I have nothing to pull from.
What I need is someone to be here, and care, even when I'm feeling snarky and can't mask it. I need someone to tell me it's ok that I don't feel social, and be happy to wrap up in blankets on the couch and watch tv or movies, whether I can talk or not. I need someone who is willing and able to let me vent my anger, pain, and frustration...know that deep down, I probably don't fully believe the nasty things that my brain is telling me, but I need to get them out so they don't fester and become worse. I need someone who is willing and able to help talk me through anxiety attacks...and then help distract me with something fun, when I am thoroughly incapable of making decisions. I need someone to help narrow down choices for me to ones I'm capable of dealing with, and helping me build up to bigger ones...instead of letting my fear/pain/anxiety narrow my vision down so far that the only option I see is one I really don't want...or isn't really the best choice, even if I think I do want it.
I need the kind of friends who once told me it was fine to breastfeed my baby at the restaurant table with them, and that my thinking anything else was ridiculous.
I haven't been able to pay into the friendship system...I haven't been able to build the support I need...I haven't been able to show that I deserve it, if anyone ever can. I've probably even shown people that it wasn't worth it. I've probably pushed people away that I shouldn't have, because I asked too much or wasn't able to give what they needed.
Right now, I need friendship on credit. I need someone to see that who I am right now is not necessarily who I will always be. I need someone to see that I'm worth helping, and that if we can clean out all the gunk, the shiny, magical person is still there underneath.
Please...
So...a few days ago, I asked Phil for a divorce. This was not an easy choice, and I know it was a confusing one, especially to him. I'm hurting, because it's not what I wanted, but it is what I think is best. I had to come to the decision, and implement it, while I was calm...not angry...not afraid,,,and that was even harder. Fear or Anger would have been a buffer; would have made it easier...but also would have left more doubt, and I would have always been second guessing the choice, saying "but we can get better." The hard, heartbreaking truth is, we may have been able to get better...eventually...but I also don't know that I would ever trust it.
I don't blame either of us...and I blame both of us...for getting here. We are both victims...and neither of us are victims. We both made mistakes and treated each other badly. We were/are both incapable of fully filling the needs of the other. There are some fundamental places where we don't agree, and that's fine...but they don't make for a healthy partnership on the level that I think a marriage should be.
I feel very alone, and feel like that is my fault. Years ago, in Spokane, I had a wonderful support structure built up. It built up over years, when I was strong enough to give of myself and be someone fun to be around. I was able to offer support, and be the kind of friend I wanted and needed from others.
I haven't been able to do that here. Part of that is due to geography...part is due to brain chemistry...part is due to choices I have made...part of that is due to a sense of duty to my children. Honestly, it doesn't really matter. The fact is, I haven't been able to build the system I need here. I haven't paid into it, so I feel like I have nothing to pull from.
What I need is someone to be here, and care, even when I'm feeling snarky and can't mask it. I need someone to tell me it's ok that I don't feel social, and be happy to wrap up in blankets on the couch and watch tv or movies, whether I can talk or not. I need someone who is willing and able to let me vent my anger, pain, and frustration...know that deep down, I probably don't fully believe the nasty things that my brain is telling me, but I need to get them out so they don't fester and become worse. I need someone who is willing and able to help talk me through anxiety attacks...and then help distract me with something fun, when I am thoroughly incapable of making decisions. I need someone to help narrow down choices for me to ones I'm capable of dealing with, and helping me build up to bigger ones...instead of letting my fear/pain/anxiety narrow my vision down so far that the only option I see is one I really don't want...or isn't really the best choice, even if I think I do want it.
I need the kind of friends who once told me it was fine to breastfeed my baby at the restaurant table with them, and that my thinking anything else was ridiculous.
I haven't been able to pay into the friendship system...I haven't been able to build the support I need...I haven't been able to show that I deserve it, if anyone ever can. I've probably even shown people that it wasn't worth it. I've probably pushed people away that I shouldn't have, because I asked too much or wasn't able to give what they needed.
Right now, I need friendship on credit. I need someone to see that who I am right now is not necessarily who I will always be. I need someone to see that I'm worth helping, and that if we can clean out all the gunk, the shiny, magical person is still there underneath.
Please...
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