Learn to figtht

I've realized recently...over the last couple days, in fact, that one of the most important skillsets someone can build is learning how to fight.

I don't mean physical fighting. I'm sure that's important sometimes. Knowing how to take care of yourself physically is definitely important, but that's not what I'm thinking about. What I'm talking about is learning how to argue without breaking a relationship.



Most people, when they fight, fight to win. But...when you win an argument, you may lose things that are much more important. I wish I could tell you how to fight...but I, apparently, never learned how to fight properly. So...here are things I'm starting to learn, or realizing I need to learn how to do.

1. Learn to let it go.

Is what you're fighting about really worth it? Is it going to matter in the future? Then let it go. Agree to disagree.

2. Stand your ground.

Don't always be the one to give in. Yes, it's important to give in sometimes, but both people should be giving in sometimes. Don't stand your ground just for the point of being "right" or "winning", but recognize when it's something important...something you can't just get over. 

3. Learn to recognize when the argument is going, or has gone, "off the rails", or if one of you is too upset to be rational.

Fights can be like runaway trains. All of a sudden, you can look around and realize that things aren't making sense...you can barely see where you started...you're fighting just for the sake of fighting...

There is NO way that is going to lead to anywhere good.

So...what do you do? Take a deep breath, step back, and figure out if you need a break.

Figure out what you need first. (Remember in the airplane safety videos..."put your own mask on before helping the person next to you"...it's kinda like that.) If you feel that you're actually in control, and doing alright, then look at what your partner might need.

Helping your partner is trickier, because each person needs something different. For me, if I'm so far off the rails that I can't help myself, then the help I need comes in the form of options. Don't just tell me "You're too upset to continue. We're dropping this." Instead, ask me. "You seem upset. Do you need a few minutes? Do you need us to drop this and come back later?" Bring my attention to the fact that I'm out of control and let me figure out what I need. I think, honestly, that it's a reasonable course to try with almost anyone, but I can really only say that it's the answer for me.

4. When you're done arguing...reconnect.

I think this is, in many ways, the most important. I've always said that I needed a hug after a fight to feel better. I've realized recently that what I'm actually needing, and what that hug symbolizes, is the idea that "even if we're not ok right now, I know we will be."