Monday 5 August 2013

Trust and weakness

I realized recently what it is that makes a great friend, in my mind. A great friend is one I can show weakness in front of.

I'm not even sure how I make the decision as to who I can show weakness to and who I can't. I think it's an instinctive thing. There's some subconscious cue, I guess. Until I have that level of trust for someone, though, I can't fully relax around them. There are very few people I've met since leaving Spokane that fit that. Even some of the people I used to know in Spokane, I find it hard to relax fully around them now, since it's been so long.

Physical weakness is hard to show, but I can usually laugh that off. I can accept physical help when I need to. I can even ask for it sometimes. Emotional weakness is much harder. I always feel like I should be able to handle anything, or that I should at least be able to appear like I can handle anything. I know I'm only human, but my standards for myself are higher than they are for anyone else. Yes, I know it's not reasonable, but it's become habit to hide anything I think could be taken as weakness.

Now, part of why this came to mind recently is that I realized that even drinking alcohol I'm generally not willing to relax completely. I have to be in control...always...because I don't trust that anyone else will keep me safe if I can't do it. Surprisingly, I found someone recently who would. It was completely unexpected, and I don't think I even realized that I had gained that level of trust for that person until I needed it. The person made sure I drank enough water, and made it back to my tent, and even checked on me the next day to be sure I was still ok.

I hadn't realized how much I missed that. Yes, I have that trust with Phil, but it's different. I need other people that I know I can lean on, and that I'm not afraid of disappointing.

I know it's all in my head, but I don't know how to change it. Maybe it's how I see people respond to other people's weakness. Maybe it's just choices I see people make in general. I don't know. All I know is that I'm working on finding that level of trust, both in myself, and in others again.

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