This has been on my mind this week. More than just this week, actually, but it's been working its way out in my head more this week.
It started with my youngest daughter. We were discussing how to build a new habit...trying to get her to write down things we're asking her to do so she remembers to do them if there are multiple tasks needing to be done. We gave her a small notebook to carry around with her.
The question came up "so, what happens if she doesn't do it."
Hmm.
Instead, we went with "what happens when she does."
Instead of punishing her when she fails, we're giving her incentive to succeed.
No, she won't get incentives or treats for accomplishing things every time...but to begin with, I don't see it as a problem. In fact, I think it's a good thing.
There is a lesson here that goes beyond the skill/habit we're trying to build. There is a lesson here that can go to the core of how she sees the world as she grows up.
Will she learn to do things because success can bring something wonderful? Or will she learn to do things because failing to do them brings something to be afraid of?
Will she learn hope, or will she learn fear?
At some point, I learned fear. When I want to do something, one of the first thoughts that goes through my head is "what happens if I make a mistake?"
I don't think "What new, wonderful thing could I find?" I think, "What happens if I make a mistake?"
I became afraid of failure. I became afraid of any kind of failure...including making people upset. I stopped making decisions based on what I wanted, or pursuing dreams...or even just ideas that could lead to dreams. It wasn't worth it.
The idea of failing, of losing, of disappointing people...of not being what they expected...became too much of a risk.
This happened more with some people than others. The more I cared about someone, the more I feared that person's disapproval, and the more I let the fear of that disapproval guide my choices.
I learned not to fight. I learned that my happiness wasn't worth the pain that was caused by disappointing other people, or making choices they didn't agree with. I learned it wasn't worth the risk.
I don't know what, exactly, taught me that. Chances are, it was a lot of little things that built up over time. Eventually I learned that life was easier if I didn't risk disapproval. If I didn't try for things I wanted, if they conflicted with what other people wanted. The possible rewards for success rarely outweighed the likely (in my head) cost of failure.
I learned the wrong lesson.
I never want my children to learn that lesson.
I want my children to learn that making choices and taking risks is more likely to lead to reward than to pain. I want my children to learn that mistakes happen, and that the consequences of those mistakes, most of the time, are not so severe that they can't be overcome.
Yes, there are times that mistakes are deadly. When something is truly a matter of life and death, then it's important to make that assessment and take extra care with the choice. However, most things are not life and death, (for most people. Yes, there are exceptions.)
So...back to where I started...
Which have we learned through our lives? Have we learned to fear mistakes and the unknown? Or have we learned that wonderful things come from taking risks?
What are we teaching our children? Are we teaching them to fear the consequences of failure? Or are we teaching them to strive to do better, and enjoy the benefits of success?
I have lessons to unlearn. I wish I had learned the right ones in the first place, but all I can do now is try to learn them now.
It started with my youngest daughter. We were discussing how to build a new habit...trying to get her to write down things we're asking her to do so she remembers to do them if there are multiple tasks needing to be done. We gave her a small notebook to carry around with her.
The question came up "so, what happens if she doesn't do it."
Hmm.
Instead, we went with "what happens when she does."
Instead of punishing her when she fails, we're giving her incentive to succeed.
No, she won't get incentives or treats for accomplishing things every time...but to begin with, I don't see it as a problem. In fact, I think it's a good thing.
There is a lesson here that goes beyond the skill/habit we're trying to build. There is a lesson here that can go to the core of how she sees the world as she grows up.
Will she learn to do things because success can bring something wonderful? Or will she learn to do things because failing to do them brings something to be afraid of?
Will she learn hope, or will she learn fear?
At some point, I learned fear. When I want to do something, one of the first thoughts that goes through my head is "what happens if I make a mistake?"
I don't think "What new, wonderful thing could I find?" I think, "What happens if I make a mistake?"
I became afraid of failure. I became afraid of any kind of failure...including making people upset. I stopped making decisions based on what I wanted, or pursuing dreams...or even just ideas that could lead to dreams. It wasn't worth it.
The idea of failing, of losing, of disappointing people...of not being what they expected...became too much of a risk.
This happened more with some people than others. The more I cared about someone, the more I feared that person's disapproval, and the more I let the fear of that disapproval guide my choices.
"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost."
I learned not to fight. I learned that my happiness wasn't worth the pain that was caused by disappointing other people, or making choices they didn't agree with. I learned it wasn't worth the risk.
I don't know what, exactly, taught me that. Chances are, it was a lot of little things that built up over time. Eventually I learned that life was easier if I didn't risk disapproval. If I didn't try for things I wanted, if they conflicted with what other people wanted. The possible rewards for success rarely outweighed the likely (in my head) cost of failure.
I learned the wrong lesson.
I never want my children to learn that lesson.
I want my children to learn that making choices and taking risks is more likely to lead to reward than to pain. I want my children to learn that mistakes happen, and that the consequences of those mistakes, most of the time, are not so severe that they can't be overcome.
Yes, there are times that mistakes are deadly. When something is truly a matter of life and death, then it's important to make that assessment and take extra care with the choice. However, most things are not life and death, (for most people. Yes, there are exceptions.)
So...back to where I started...
Which have we learned through our lives? Have we learned to fear mistakes and the unknown? Or have we learned that wonderful things come from taking risks?
What are we teaching our children? Are we teaching them to fear the consequences of failure? Or are we teaching them to strive to do better, and enjoy the benefits of success?
I have lessons to unlearn. I wish I had learned the right ones in the first place, but all I can do now is try to learn them now.
Great read.
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