Important things to remember regarding relationships

I know friends have been concerned lately. Yes, things have been rough between Phil and I and there are things we're needing to work on. We are working on our problems, and will be fine. Talking to some friends, there are some things I've realized lately.

Relationships are complicated, because they involve people. Still, sometimes things get very rough, and it's important to remember a few things.

Candlesticks

Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes are intentional acts which can put other people at risk. "Mistake" doesn't necessarily mean "accident", but it can mean "really bad choice".

When someone makes one of those mistakes, you have a choice to make. You can be hurt. You can get mad. You can turn your back on that person, shunning them and removing them from your life.  You can forgive them and help them through whatever it was that caused the mistake. You can teach them a better choice.

Candlesticks.

Near the beginning of the book/musical/movie Les Miserables, the main character, Jean Valjean,  is in a very tight place. Recently released from prison, no one will hire him or give him a chance. A priest gives him a meal and place to stay for the night, and Jean Valjean repays this kindness by stealing the silver and running away during the night. When caught by the police and returned to the priest, the priest denies the theft, offering a pair of silver candlesticks as well, saying the silver was a gift.

After the police leave, the priest talks to a confused Jean. "Remember this my brother. See in this some higher plan. You must use this precious silver to become an honest man.

Candlesticks.

Sometimes, what someone really needs is forgiveness and help.

Jean Valjean was an honorable man who was in a tough spot. He had gone to prison in the first place for stealing bread to feed a starving child. He was not someone who had robbed a bank or stolen jewelry to have an easier life for himself. At some point, even honorable people can break. Everyone makes mistakes. Without help, those mistakes can get worse and worse.

Candlesticks.

When someone's mistake hurts you, you have a choice to make. Does that mistake erase all the good the person has brought into your life, or does the good still outweigh the bad? Is this someone worth saving? Is the relationship worth saving?

As I write this, I think about two friends who have betrayed my trust in different ways. One told the truth about something which hurt because it broke a confidence. The second lied about something which could put me in physical danger.

Surprisingly, the first is the one I was the most harsh to. I quickly got angry. I completely lost my trust in that individual and the friendship suffered for it. That person went from the level of "fairly good friend and confidant" to "just slightly better than acquaintance".

The second, I understood and forgave the lie. I was more disappointed than hurt by the lie itself and never got truly angry about it. My feelings didn't change, and I still trust the person completely.

Why such a severe discrepancy? Possibly because of the levels the relationships started at. I don't know. I do know that maybe I wasn't entirely fair to the first friend. That friend's truth could have had severe consequences on multiple people's careers. My choice was to close a door, turn my back, and walk away. I think that may have been my mistake, and I will think about how to apologize and try to make up for that.

The second friend's lie could have had severe consequences on multiple people's health and safety. In the future, if the lie continued, it still could. Still, my choice is to help this friend. I didn't turn my back, even when it was expected.

Candlesticks.

Sometimes, forgiveness and caring are what is needed.

Forgiveness is precious silver. Use it wisely.

STDs, Lice, and Social Stigmas

It's been a heck of a year already, and situations around me have gotten me thinking.

A friend of mine (lets use the name Ryan, since its gender neutral) recently revealed that s/he had gotten an STD test back with positive results for genital herpes. This is someone I care for very much, and the revelation shocked me. I was scared and worried for Ryan, and what the implications would be on his/her love/sex life.

I started thinking about what it would be like to be in Ryan's place. What would it be like to have to tell everyone you were interested in that you had a sexually transmitted disease that would never go away? Ryan is scared that any future relationship is now in danger, because who would ever want to risk being infected.

More thinking...

Fear stems from ignorance. Ignorance can be defeated by knowledge. Knowledge can combat fear.

Research...this requires research.

The more research I do, the less scary it is...on a physical level, at least. Ryan tested positive, but has never had an outbreak. Talking to a doctor, an outbreak isn't something anyone could miss. With no physical symptoms, it's not something that someone would suspect they had. The research shows that a high percentage of the population has one or the other type of Herpes virus in their system, and infection rates are fairly low when proper precautions are taken. A large part of the problem seems to be that people who don't know they have the virus end up spreading it.

Really, the social sigma seems much worse than anything else. I'm not saying that the physical aspect is necessarily easy peasy, but it doesn't seem as scary now as it used to. The fear of telling potential partners is almost worse than anything else. The fear, as I said before seems to be largely due to ignorance. Having information to give to potential partners seems like the best way to deal with it.

At some point, I made a connection in my head that the stigma of having herpes is similar to the stigma that exists around headlice. No, they're really not the same, but the stigma associated with lice in the US is worse than in other places. In the states, a child with headlice is sent home from school until treated. Then they come back to school the next day. In England, children are not sent home, but all children with long hair are encouraged to keep hair contained to avoid possible infection, and parents of all children in the class are told when a case of headlice has been found...so everyone can take proper precautions.

Ignorance has told us that lice happens when you have poor cleanliness habits. It turns out, lice hate dirty hair. Infections sometimes happen, and they're something to be treated, not ashamed of.

Likewise, being responsible, informed, and honest about a condition like genital herpes is the best course of action. Take the best precautions possible, know the risks and how to explain them, and give all the information to potential partners so they can make an informed decision.

No, it might not be easy, but it shouldn't be the end of the world.