Princess Snowflake

Yesterday our family went to a pie festival at a farm museum near our new house. It was a fun day, and we'll likely be back to the museum in the future.

I got home and checked facebook, seeing that my mom had just posted that my grandmother was taken to the hospital with a brain bleed. My comment on her post was "Ack!" Too many other things ran through my head so quickly that I couldn't really post anything else. Then I think my brain shorted out a bit and just went into numb shock.

The idea of anything being seriously wrong with Mamu (my Grandmother) just doesn't compute.

The idea that she might not be around anymore just doesn't compute.

The updates I've gotten so far are that she was taken to the hospital yesterday morning after having a stroke. She has been resting comfortably in the ICU, and the doctors were discussing whether they would be able to do surgery that just went in through one of the blood vessels, or if they would have to do open cranium surgery. I know that her surgery is scheduled for this morning, but still don't know how bad the stroke was, the prognosis for recovery, or anything else.

I was sitting on the couch this morning checking facebook, saw the post saying surgery was scheduled, and started talking to Phil about the fact that is Mamu doesn't pull through, I hope my mom will still be able to come for Christmas...and then I started crying. The shock finally wore off, or at least thinned enough to feel again. I'm glad Phil is here...but he's going home in a couple days.

I've been thinking about Mamu a lot this year. She was born the same day as the Queen of England, and her mother was pen-pals with the queen's nanny. Living in England the last four years, any time I saw the queen, I saw Mamu. This year was the queen's diamond jubilee, so there was a lot of merchandise...commemerative plates, teacups, etc. ... and every time I saw them, I thought of Mamu, and smiled.

Mamu has always been one of the strongest women I knew. When I was little (I couldn't have been more than about 3) my parents helped her move from Santa Barbara up into the mountains. Mamu had retired from the hospital she had worked at for 20 years and was taking a job as a camp nurse at an Outdoor School ("6th grade camp") in the mountains. We moved into the house in Santa Barbara that she had moved out of, and I remember visiting her in the mountains often. Even now, there are smells in the woods that remind me specifically of visiting Mamu at Forest Home.

For years, she worked at the outdoor school during the school year, then at the Christian Camp run on the same site during the summer. Some years, she worked at a different camp during the summer, and we'd drive from Santa Barbara up to Forest Home and move all her things from Forest Home to a camp on a different mountain in June, then back from the other camp (I'm drawing a blank on the camp name now..."All Nations" maybe?) to Forest Home again in the Fall.

I remember that while she was still working at Forest Home during the summers, there was an "Indian Village" section of the camp, where she was given the name "Oaktasha" (I haven't got a clue how to spell it, but that's how it sounds in my head), which means "Princess Snowflake".

One of the parts of Mamu's contract with whatever camp she worked at was that her grandchildren were allowed to come to the camp for free. One summer, Mamu drove me home after a week at camp and I asked my mom where my dad was. That's when I found out my parents were getting a divorce. I was glad that Mamu was there. She hugged me and talked to me about it. Thinking about it now, I'm glad Mamu was there for Mom. There are times we need our moms, even as grown-ups, and I think that was one of them.

Mamu has always been one of the kindest, most caring people I know. However, she's where I learned the phrase "no sympathy for stupidity". If someone did something dumb and hurt themselves, she'd patch them up...but make sure they knew it was dumb, and their own fault.

She learned to ski in Germany, visiting her oldest son who was stationed there. She was in her 50's. I learned to ski in my 20's, and my body doesn't respond the same way or learn things as easily in my 30's...and I've been to Germany's mountains. Learning to ski there at that age impresses me more than I can say.

When I was in high school, my mom, brothers and I were stuck in Texas without a house to live in. (That's a long story for another time.) Mom called Mamu, and was told that Mamu had a house available that we could use in Kansas, and was buying one in Spokane, Washington. Mom picked Spokane, and we started driving. I don't remember if Mamu was with us for the drive (I don't think she was...my uncle Karl and his family were...but again, that's a story for another time) but she met us in Spokane. I wasn't in the Realtor's office with them when the Realtor said we wouldn't be able to move into the house for 6 weeks...but I've heard stories about it, and Mamu basically told the realtor that we were either moving into the house she had already picked that day, or she was walking across the street to a different realtor's office and paying cash for the first house he showed her. We moved into the original house an hour later.

She has always been the sweetest lady in the world...and a heck of a force to be reckoned with if you pissed her off.

She retired from the outdoor school years ago, taking most of the last year off as the sick leave that she hadn't taken for 20 years, and having parts of her body rebuilt (shoulders? knees? eyes? It's the bionic Grandma!)

For the last few years, she's still been working...or working again...this time doing "Elder Care". She's in her 80's...and she's been taking care of a man who's only one year older than she is. That's still impressive to me. The impression I've gotten is that his condition and functionality have improved under her care, because she makes him do things for himself instead of automatically doing things for him. It seems to have been a good arrangement for both of them.

Mamu has always been invincible in my mind. The fact that she's not hits hard.

The timing really sucks, too. This is the one time that there's no way I can get there. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, I can't be there for or with Mom. I know Mom has friends that would be there for her, but I still want to be able to be there if she needs me. Honestly, that's my biggest..."concern" isn't the right word, but it's the best I can come up with.

It feels wrong to contemplate what to do, or what I would do, if Mamu dies. It feels like if I consider it, then it can happen...but if I deny the possibility, she's safe. The thing is, I did that a year and a half ago with Ruth, my mother in law, and she didn't pull through. For her, it was time. For Mamu...I just hope it's not.

Still, though...I don't know what damage the stroke did. I don't want her stuck in a broken body or broken mind. If it's time, it's time, but the world would lose something great.

A Home!

We found a house, and I can already picture it being Home!

There's space. Lots of living space, with high ceilings, windows, skylights...air and light! There's room to move, and room to breathe. There are spaces that are darker, more closed in, that are good for movies, or reading, or just having alone time away from the rest of the family.

I can picture our family living there. I can see Christmases, Parties, Barbecues...

Daisy will love it. There's lots of outside space for her to run and play (including an already-installed invisible fence), and enough space inside for her to be in with the family without being underfoot.

I'm already working on re-designing the kitchen in my head. The space is good, but can be better...and it will be MY kitchen. As it is, there's a skylight over the stove (GAS stove ! YAY!) and windows galore. I can see gorgeous green things out windows on three sides, and the livingroom on the fourth. I can be playing in the kitchen and still be involved in other things that are going on.

I may well gush more about the house later, but people are talking to me, and I can't hold discussions and write at the same time. Besides...we have more things to do today...put the Offer on the house, look for a car so I can stop using a rental...get a cell phone contract so I can have a permanent phone number (and give the kids the ability to reach me if I'm not at home.)

So...busy day...lots to do...but we found a home!

Choosing a home...or at least a house

There's a difference between a house and a home. Right now we're staying in a small rental house. It's programmed in our TomTom as "home"...but it's not. It's just where we're staying. It's a solid base to use while we're looking for a new home.

Over the last few weeks, the girls and I have been looking at houses. This week, Phil is here to go back over the ones the girls and I liked the best. We have it narrowed down to two...and it's two that I've had at the top of my list since we first saw them. I was really hoping that when Phil got here, making the final choice would be easier. Unfortunately, he's just as torn over the two of them as the girls and I are.

The two houses, as we've named them for convenience, are "The Spanish House" and "The Barn House". Both have good points, and drawbacks. We asked the question of the girls, yesterday, "which house could you see us living in?", and got the same answer across the board from the kids. I think I agree with them, but we're still not completely ready to make a final decision.

The "Barn house" was built in the early 1800's, and has a lot of the charm that goes along with it. The house does have sufficient bedrooms and bathrooms for our family, although I'm not so sure about living-space. The land around the house is pretty, and there are established blueberry bushes. The biggest advantage to the house is the barn.

The barn is huge. It is heated, and has a large, fairly finished, rec-room/craftroom area, along with an attic area that would be big enough to easily house SCA dance or fighter practice. There's a lot of storage in the barn, along with horse stalls (currently housing chickens) and a tack room. The barn adds a lot of living space...but you have to walk outside between the house and the barn. I don't see wanting to walk outside to get to the barn in the dark and cold during winter. I can easily see cabin fever setting in fairly quickly during the winter.

The "Spanish House" (named for the stucco exterior and some of the external features) is the one that the entire family can most easily see us living in. It has a big, open floor plan on the ground level, including a deck right off the dining room that would be good to put a BBQ grill on. It has a good sized living room, a place for a wood stove, and a nice little nook for a computer area. Upstairs has another two living room areas (one darker and one lighter), and all four bedrooms.

There is more work that needs to be done in the Spanish house than the barn house. There is a bathtub and toilet in the master bedroom. They aren't in a bathroom attached to the master bedroom - they're actually in the bedroom. That would need to be fixed...but it could wait until next Spring. There's a spot on the floor that needs to be fixed next to a door to one of the decks...and that would have to be fixed before we moved in, but is a small fix. There's a floor that needs to be covered in the computer nook...and other small cosmetic bits, but those would also serve to make the house a bit more "ours".

The land the Spanish House is on is gorgeous. There's a pond, and a stream, and the lot is 8 acres, as opposed to the 3 acres that come with the Barn house. The Spanish house also has an invisible dog fence already installed, and a large field area that we could easily play fetch with Daisy.

The Spanish house is in a town, across the street from the ball field where apparently they do large town gatherings, fireworks, etc. However, it doesn't feel like it's in the middle of a town. There's enough space around the house, and trees, that we wouldn't really see "town" stuff. We'd have easy access to conveniences in town, though, and the school system seems to be the better of the two. Actually, the school system is the best of all the houses we looked at, and is the one that I've had the most people say was good, just letting them know where we were looking at houses.

The Barn house is directly on the road, but not in a town. We would hear traffic going by...not often, maybe, but any time a car went by we would hear it. I would worry too, about Daisy and the road. There's some land with the house, but not as much, and I don't really see it as easy "playing" space with Daisy. Also, I don't see as much room in the house for Daisy to spend time with the family.

The decision isn't final, but I'm pretty sure that we'll pick the Spanish house. We're going back to both houses, in the opposite order that we looked at them yesterday. We'll look at the barn house by looking at the house first, and try to imagine living there without having the barn. We'll look at the rest of the land at the Spanish house and see if we would have enough storage space.

Tomorrow, we should have our decision, and we can start working on the buying process. I'll be glad to have a home again, soon.

Disclaimer - No more hiding. No more Masks.

Part of the deal I made with Phil during this move back to the states was "No more hiding; no more masks". I need to figure out who I am, not who I think people want me to be. This blog is part of that.

It's about time...

I set this blog up months ago, but never actually wrote anything. I don't think I was ready.

A couple of days ago, I set my girls to writing about what was going on in their lives. The oldest two were told they could write "mental vomit"...meaning whatever was in her head, whether it made sense or not...just to get it out. I was told I should do the same thing. I still wasn't ready.

Now, I think I'm getting there. Sitting in a quiet house, our temporary home, with only the sounds of insects and the ticking clock (and computer keys), with sunlight pouring in...my mind is calm enough to start sorting out what is inside.

I've been lost for a long time.

(I've gone to look for myself. If I should arrive before I get back, please hold me until I return.)